The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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nice fahrenheit, a couple more
a guy gets on an lift and asks a the lady next to him, " can i smell your vagina?"
the lady looks at the guy with a disgusted look and says," NO!! "
the guys says," then it must your feet"

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What's the fucks the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my Son !!"
 
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You fucking lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
 
I love the sheer Bluntness of this joke...

Q) Why Did The Cripple Die?


A) Because I Shot It In The Face




Q) Why Did The Cripple Cross The Road


A) Because I Chased It With An Axe
 
An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What's the fucks the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my Son !!"
Click to expand...

I really like this one.
 
This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy
is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent
lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you.
This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute, he asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. so I told him where to find it.
Be strong, Darling. I love you, too.

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that
said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your single. Just let it go.."

But then another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
your a fucking vet, you pervert.

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.
The local undertaker tell this guy, "You can have her shipped home for £10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £50.00."
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend £10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only £50.00?".

The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed", she replied
"Well, strip down to your waist", the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk".
"I know", she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it's like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went looking for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"AND..." pried the doctor.
"Well, that's was when I made my mistake...I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses..."This one here looks like yours!"

a man is siting next to a woman on an airplane, right after they take off the man sneezes
than he pulls down his pants and wipes sperm off his cock, onto a tissue.
the woman sitting next to him gives him a discusted look, this happens a few more times she can't take it any more.
she yells at him why the hell don't you go to the bathroom to play with yourself, you fucking pervert.
he answers I’m sorry but I have this medical condition, every time I sneeze I ejaculate.
so she asks him are you taking anything for it.
yes he says, pepper.

and this from a blonde on the telephone.
"hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop ttthhatt i ggott ttthe vvibbratttor ffromm?? hhow ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff??"
 
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Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A: The circus is full of cunning stunts.

Q: What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball.
 
Two gays walking the street, one farts.

Other gay says: "Save the next one for home, love, so I can take it over my lungs'.
 
A sadist goes into a gay bar and looks for someone he can give some pain to. Sure 'nuf, he finds a masochist who likes the idea of getting smacked around a bit. So they go back to the masochist's place. As soon as they're in the door the masochist is off with his clothes, standing there naked and trembling with anticipation.

"Are you going to beat me? Whip me? Humiliate me?" he says. The sadists just stands there, smiles, folds his arms, and says, "No." :D
 
Right. Here goes:

15 skinheads chase a paki into a shop and proceed to kick 7 flavours of shit out of him. Eventually, the police arrive and arrest everyone. One of the coppersw walks over to the shop assistant and asks if he saw it all happen.
When the clerk replies 'yes' the cop asks why he didn't help out.
"I though 15 was enough." came the reply.

Charmed...
 
Cannibal gets taken into hospital and it looks like it might take a few weeks, and he gets really fed up with the food fast. So he decides to chat up one of the nurses, and sure enough the silly cow starts bringing him stuff smuggled out of the mortuary and cooked by her. He can't stop telling her how grateful he is.

Week or so goes by, and he asks her to bring her a loaf of bread that night instead of cooking up something. She wonders if he's ill or something, or worse, that he might not like her cooking anymore.

But no, he assures her, nothing of the kind, it's just they put this baby with spina bifida next door, and what a marvellous dip-sauce that makes...
 
It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."

The son, not understanding, asks his father "What are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."

The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"
 
Three blondes wanted to become cops, so they went to the police station for some tests, The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. ''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''
The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.
''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.
''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.''
After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.''
This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''
''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?''

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helllooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it
to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay sorry, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.
When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?, is it another trunk"
The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."
So the son turns to his father and asks the same question.
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father says proudly, "well son, she's been spoilt".

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous young handsome prince.
The Prince then passionatly kissed the old lady back, and she IMMEDIATELY turned into the first motel she could find.
 
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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says,
"I remember it well."
"OK," he says,
"how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, ! leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old mandrops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is!
As the couple passes, he says to them,"That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't a fucking electric fence."


A man goes into the unemployment office in bedford to look at
job openings on the boards. Since there aren't many jobs it
doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots
something.
"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have
own scissors.£250 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all
expenses."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter.
"I'd like to apply for this job," he says,"reference number bs2345."
"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in bedford.
They're looking for a Pubic hair snipper."
"The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits.
Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing.
It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.
It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, New York... that sort.
"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Glasgow."
"Glasgow? What do I wanna go to Glasgow for?"
"Well," says the clerk, "that's where the he application line ends at the moment!"


One day while her husbnad is out working, a bored housewife decides to clean out the attic. While up there, she finds an antique mirror, which she decides would look good in the bed room.
30 minutes later, she's cleaning the mirror when she finds a hidden inscription saying: Magic mirror: speak in rhyme and a wish will be thine.
Great! she thinks, though being sceptic. But never-the-less decides to try it.
Mirror Mirror in my hand, my breasts I wish to expand, the size I want is 44, please do not make them more.
to her amazement, her breast start growing, and growing, and growing.
Thinking that her husband will absolutely LOVE her new assetts, she decides to lay on the floor naked, and wait for him to come home. Upon arriving, he's is astounded by her new breast size! "Wow, how did this happen?!?" Happily, she re-counts the story of the magic mirror.
Not to be outdone, her husband walks over to the mirror and rhymes: Mirror Mirror on the wall, my dick is very small, if it could just touch the floor, I'd be happy evermore suddenly his legs got shorter... and shorter... and shorter...
 
a blonde gos to a auto parts shop and asks for a seven ten cap.
the guy behind the counter said "a seven ten cap, What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What does it do?" he said
She said she didn't know, but its always been there. The guy gave her a note pad and asked

her if she could draw a picture.
So she makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the centre she writes 710.
537303710.jpg
 
What do you do if your wife comes out of the kitchen?
Shorten her chain.

How do you mend your wife's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the cooker.
 
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