The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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Little Susie comes home from school and tells her
dad. that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're
Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a
valentine?"

Susie's dad thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her dad asks, in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little english Jewish
girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start
to
think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
little."

"And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,
he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place
to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
anymore."

Her dad's heart swells with pride and he looks at his
daughter with new found pride. "Susie, that's the most wonderful
thing
I've ever heard!"

"I know," Susie says. "And once that gets him out in the
open,
the army could blow the shit out of him."
 
CONFUCIUS SAY:


"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy."

"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine."
 
I'm new but I gotta say, these jokes are awesome.

What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't get the dishes clean enough?
Beat her until she gets it right.

How do you get a nigger out of a tree?
Cut the rope

Why are there no swimming pools in Mexico?
Anyone who can swim is in Texas.

Here's a few we made up where I work:
I like my women like I like my rum: a few years old and mixed up with coke.
I like my women like I like my soda: a few months old and flat as hell.
I like my women like I like my wine: one hundred years old and locked up in a cellar.

And there's more where that came from, I'll post them as I remember them.
 
What did the iraqi woman say to her husband? 'does my bomb look big in this'

Two iraqi blokes talking in the pub and the first one shows the other a picture and says 'this is my 1st son, he's a martyr', he then shows him another picture and says 'this is my 2nd son, he's a martyr' and then he shows him another picture and says 'this is my 3rd son, he's going to be a martyr' and the other one turns round and says 'yes they blow up so fast these days'.
 
A woman and seven men were trapped in an isolated island after a shipwreck.
After seven days, the woman killed herself because what they had done were unspeakable..
A week later, the men decided to bury the woman because what they had done were disgusting.
Seven days passed by, the men decided to dig out the woman because what they had done were loathsome.
Another seven days were gone, the men killed themselves because what they had done were sickening to the extreme.

PS. I love this because it does not tell WHAT is disgusting part and HOW. It's up to your own disgusting imagination
 
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing - she's already been told twice






What does a wog do after sex?

50 years


And, my personal favourite...





What do you call an Aboriginal in a suit?

The Defendant
 
There are these two penises walking down the straight, and they see a gay bar. one turns and says to the other "Hey, let's go in there and get shit faced!"
 
not really offensive just funny

The Irish Drinker:
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
 
Excellent thread.A laugh a minute.

Offensive humour>any other kind of humour.

What do you do if you see a darkie running around in a circle screaming?

Stop laughing and nail his other foot to the floor.
 
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell,
where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You
are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard
Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and
over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got
this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day," commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his
arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, giving him a blow job, Bush looks in disbelief, and finally says,
"Yeah, I can handle that."

The Devil smiled and said,
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."



the official God F,A,Q. http://www.400monkeys.com/God/index.html

Dont abuse jesus http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/swearingjesus.html
 
A man walks into his favorite bar and finds a new
robot bartender in place. Not only could it dispense
drinks perfectly but it could also, like any good
bartender, engage in appropriate conversation with
customers. So, the man orders a drink. The robot
serves the drink, perfectly prepared, and then asks,
"What's your IQ?" The man replies, "150". The robot
then proceeds to converse with him about Quantum
physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.

The man is very impressed and thinks, "Wow, this is
great!"

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the
bar, turns around and comes back for another drink.
Once more, the robot serves him the drink and asks,
"What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100."
Immediately the robot begins talking, but this time
about football, baseball, cheerleaders, etc.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides
to give the robot one more test.
He returns and the robot serves him and then asks,
"What's your IQ?", and the man replies, "50".
And the robot says, "So, are you gonna vote for,
Bush?"

"He who after careful research and consideration, votes for Bush, is voting for someone smarter then him self."
 
3 inmates in a South African prison, circa 1985, were discussing their sentences. 2 of them were white men, 1 black.

The first white man says: "I'm in here 5 years, for robbery. If it had been armed robbery, I'd have got 10 years."

The second white man says: "Well, I'm in here 10 years, for manslaughter. If my lawyer hadn't managed to reduce the charge from actual murder, I'd have got 15 years."

The black man then says: "I was sentenced to 15 years for riding my bicycle with the light off. I'd have got 20 years, if had actually been dark at the time..."
 
here another oldie when stevie wonder was ask what it was like being blind, he said it could be worse I could be black.
and when he was given a cheese cratter for a present he said afterwards it was the best horror story he'd ever read
 
But thanks to a wonderful new invention called Broil- I'm sorry, i'll just feel that again!
 
:D There was of course the blind free fall parachutist, he knows when to pull the rip cord when the dog lead goes slack
 
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