The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!
- Thread starter The Flemster
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These are terrible.
Terribly funny.
It's also an audial joke, so pronounce all the eskimo's s's like "sh."
A hungover, toothless eskimo woman is hitchiking on the side of the road, when a guy in a pick-up pulls over and asks her where she needs to go. "I need go to the liquor s(h)tore."
"All right, I'll take you," the man replies, "but you have to give me head."
"Ok," the eskimo replies, pulling her manky self over into the passenger seat.
So they're driving down the road, with his pants unzipped and her sucking away, when she says "Ohh, you're passionate."
"Oh yeah baby, I'm passionate."
"No, no," she says more urgently, "You're passssionate."
"Fuck I'm passionate!" he exclaims.
"You're passionate, you're passionate!" she says again.
"Yeah I am!"
"No, you're passing the goddamn liquor store!"
What does an eskimo woman say when she loses her virginity?
"Gramps(h), you're crushin' my smokes(h)."
Terribly funny.
It's also an audial joke, so pronounce all the eskimo's s's like "sh."
A hungover, toothless eskimo woman is hitchiking on the side of the road, when a guy in a pick-up pulls over and asks her where she needs to go. "I need go to the liquor s(h)tore."
"All right, I'll take you," the man replies, "but you have to give me head."
"Ok," the eskimo replies, pulling her manky self over into the passenger seat.
So they're driving down the road, with his pants unzipped and her sucking away, when she says "Ohh, you're passionate."
"Oh yeah baby, I'm passionate."
"No, no," she says more urgently, "You're passssionate."
"Fuck I'm passionate!" he exclaims.
"You're passionate, you're passionate!" she says again.
"Yeah I am!"
"No, you're passing the goddamn liquor store!"
What does an eskimo woman say when she loses her virginity?
"Gramps(h), you're crushin' my smokes(h)."
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the fucking jar open"
Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls,
So he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice
for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes
too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you
man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than
before!
Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering
their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes back to the
lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home.
One day he gets up enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.
She agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day trip,
they will stay behind and get to it.
He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.
She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me."
He says he would love to and goes for it.
After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry.
I afraid I just can't go on. It smells rotten down there."
She says, "It must be my arthritis."
He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there.
And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that horrible smell."
She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my arse."
A: A cock that stays up all night.
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the fucking jar open"
Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls,
So he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice
for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes
too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you
man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than
before!
Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering
their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes back to the
lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home.
One day he gets up enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.
She agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day trip,
they will stay behind and get to it.
He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.
She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me."
He says he would love to and goes for it.
After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry.
I afraid I just can't go on. It smells rotten down there."
She says, "It must be my arthritis."
He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there.
And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that horrible smell."
She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my arse."
E
Epheros
Guest
Here is a nice pedefile joke for you...
What's the best thing about getting a hand job from an 8-year old?
You look HUGE!
And, of course...
Why do women rub there eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
What's the best thing about getting a hand job from an 8-year old?
You look HUGE!
And, of course...
Why do women rub there eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Little Susy just got a brand new red ball for her birthday. She's happily playing with it on the road outside the house when suddenly a huge biker drives right over the ball, smashing it. He then stops his bike and starts laughing at Little Susy, who begins to cry and runs into her house and cries to her mom "Mom! Mom, a huge biker smashed my new red ba-all!"
Little Susy's mom runs straight out and starts yelling at the biker, but the biker doesn't wanna hear it so he pulls out a big knife and stabs Little Susy's mom right in her heart. Shocked, Little Susy runs back into her house to her dad "Dad! Dad, a huge biker just stabbed mo-om!"
Little Susy's dad grabs a baseball bat and runs out to deal with the biker, but the biker pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and blows Little Susy's dad's head off. Little Susy is panicking, what is she to do, what is she to do?! Then she notices a huge lumberjack with a big ax standing at the edge of the woods nearby. She runs over "Mr Lumberjack! Mr Lumberjack, a huge biker just stabbed by mo-om and shot my da-ad!"
The huge lumberjack takes a look around, unzips his pants, pulls out his enormous schlong and says "You know what, Little Susy? This just isn't your day."
Little Susy's mom runs straight out and starts yelling at the biker, but the biker doesn't wanna hear it so he pulls out a big knife and stabs Little Susy's mom right in her heart. Shocked, Little Susy runs back into her house to her dad "Dad! Dad, a huge biker just stabbed mo-om!"
Little Susy's dad grabs a baseball bat and runs out to deal with the biker, but the biker pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and blows Little Susy's dad's head off. Little Susy is panicking, what is she to do, what is she to do?! Then she notices a huge lumberjack with a big ax standing at the edge of the woods nearby. She runs over "Mr Lumberjack! Mr Lumberjack, a huge biker just stabbed by mo-om and shot my da-ad!"
The huge lumberjack takes a look around, unzips his pants, pulls out his enormous schlong and says "You know what, Little Susy? This just isn't your day."
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
The atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer, the religious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above, "Because he doesn't fucking keep bothering me all the time!"
The atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer, the religious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above, "Because he doesn't fucking keep bothering me all the time!"
Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.
A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
I heard that one a long time ago.
Here is one I heard a long time ago too, I don't know if it was posted here.
Three guys were coming home from work in their car. Smoke started coming out of the hood of the car, so they pulled over on the next exit. The decided they needed to call so tow truck but none of them had a cell phone. They went to the nearest house and knocked on the door. A man comes out and points a shotgun at the three men. Scared, one man says "I'll do anything, don't shoot!". The man with the gun says "fine, if you want to live, you must grab a fruit or vegetable from my garden and shove it up your ass without laughing" The three guys set out to the garden looking for a good fruit or vegetable. The first man comes back with a carrot. The man with the gun says "ok, shove it up your ass". The forst guy attempted and he let out a whimper, POW, he was dead. The second guy comes out with a grape, he starts shoving up his ass and he laughs hysterically. He then gets shot in the head. Later, the forst two guys meet at the pearly gates fo heaven. THe first guy says "how could you laugh, you had grape, that's nothing!" The second guy says "well, I saw the other guy coming out of the garden with a watermelon!"
Here is one I heard a long time ago too, I don't know if it was posted here.
Three guys were coming home from work in their car. Smoke started coming out of the hood of the car, so they pulled over on the next exit. The decided they needed to call so tow truck but none of them had a cell phone. They went to the nearest house and knocked on the door. A man comes out and points a shotgun at the three men. Scared, one man says "I'll do anything, don't shoot!". The man with the gun says "fine, if you want to live, you must grab a fruit or vegetable from my garden and shove it up your ass without laughing" The three guys set out to the garden looking for a good fruit or vegetable. The first man comes back with a carrot. The man with the gun says "ok, shove it up your ass". The forst guy attempted and he let out a whimper, POW, he was dead. The second guy comes out with a grape, he starts shoving up his ass and he laughs hysterically. He then gets shot in the head. Later, the forst two guys meet at the pearly gates fo heaven. THe first guy says "how could you laugh, you had grape, that's nothing!" The second guy says "well, I saw the other guy coming out of the garden with a watermelon!"
Superman is flying about, checking out the city to see if it is crime free. He sees Wonderwoman naked on one of skyscrapers.
He thinks to himself "Hmm, I've always wanted to root her. I'll just use my light speed to go down, into her, and then fly off!".
So anyway, he does so.
Wonderwoman exclaims "Holy shit, what was that?"
And invisible man, who was on top of her, goes "I don't know, but it sure hurt my ass!".
As Basil Brush would say, "BOOM BOOM!".
He thinks to himself "Hmm, I've always wanted to root her. I'll just use my light speed to go down, into her, and then fly off!".
So anyway, he does so.
Wonderwoman exclaims "Holy shit, what was that?"
And invisible man, who was on top of her, goes "I don't know, but it sure hurt my ass!".
As Basil Brush would say, "BOOM BOOM!".
mountainhare,
that ones a classic, good try though. Have you heard the version where the invisible man is licking her carpet and gets superman in the mouth?
that ones a classic, good try though. Have you heard the version where the invisible man is licking her carpet and gets superman in the mouth?
this guys walking past the empire building, when a man with long white hair and a beard, dressed a bit like osama bin laden without the towel head.
comes plumeting down the side of the building, and just before he hit's the ground he opens his arms, and waves them softly like butterfly wings and lands.
this guy say wow, that was amazing how did you do that, easy says the white haired guy you can do it to, come to the top with me and I'll show you how, so he go'es to the top and the white haired guy give him some pointers, and they both jump off together and come plumeting down, about a hundred feet from the ground, the guy starts flaping his arms, and nothing happens and he hit the ground with a splatt.
bits of body everywhere, the white haired guy just land as he did before, just then an angel appears nearby, and says god sometimes you can be a right nasty bastard.
comes plumeting down the side of the building, and just before he hit's the ground he opens his arms, and waves them softly like butterfly wings and lands.
this guy say wow, that was amazing how did you do that, easy says the white haired guy you can do it to, come to the top with me and I'll show you how, so he go'es to the top and the white haired guy give him some pointers, and they both jump off together and come plumeting down, about a hundred feet from the ground, the guy starts flaping his arms, and nothing happens and he hit the ground with a splatt.
bits of body everywhere, the white haired guy just land as he did before, just then an angel appears nearby, and says god sometimes you can be a right nasty bastard.
That´s a good one. 
what a jerk that god is
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
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Not being handicapped.
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Not being handicapped.
TheBeerMan
Registered Member
what do you get when you mix an octopuss with a black man..
fuck if i know, but it sure is good at picking cotton..
har har har..
fuck if i know, but it sure is good at picking cotton..
har har har..
the dept for highways, employs a mexican, to paint the lines in the center of the road.
on the first day, he does 6 miles, and his boss is delighted.
on the second only 3 miles, on the third only 1.5 miles.
so he calls the mexican, into his office, and says you started so well, why have you slowed down so much.
and the mexican replys, eacha time I paint, zee tin she isa getting futher away.
on the first day, he does 6 miles, and his boss is delighted.
on the second only 3 miles, on the third only 1.5 miles.
so he calls the mexican, into his office, and says you started so well, why have you slowed down so much.
and the mexican replys, eacha time I paint, zee tin she isa getting futher away.
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