The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!
- Thread starter The Flemster
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What do you have when a Pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."
What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
What cries and hangs from the ceiling?
A baby on a meathook
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
Hey, go easy on the sweets
What goes "click click click, is that it?, click click click, is that it?..........."
A blind man with a Rubiks cube.
Not enough sand.
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."
What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
What cries and hangs from the ceiling?
A baby on a meathook
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
Hey, go easy on the sweets
What goes "click click click, is that it?, click click click, is that it?..........."
A blind man with a Rubiks cube.
some of these are pretty sick, but hey sick equals funny in my book
What turns a nine - stone weakling into a sixteen stone man of steel?
Polio.
What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A conga in an old peoples home
What is better than winning a medal at the Paraplegic-olympics?
Having two legs.
When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey y'all... Watch this!"
What's invisible and smells like dog food?
A pensioner's fart.
What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
Nice tits!
What’s charred and stands between two sticks?
A burnt cripple.
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
You make new friends every day.
What turns a nine - stone weakling into a sixteen stone man of steel?
Polio.
What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A conga in an old peoples home
What is better than winning a medal at the Paraplegic-olympics?
Having two legs.
When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey y'all... Watch this!"
What's invisible and smells like dog food?
A pensioner's fart.
What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
Nice tits!
What’s charred and stands between two sticks?
A burnt cripple.
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
You make new friends every day.
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A Geologist is giving a tour of his laboratory, the tour walks past a very large seismometer and one of the tourist asks “what this?” the Geologist replies “that is the world most sensitive seismometer” the tourist asks again “Really? How sensitive is it?”
The geologist says, “Here let me show you.” and walks up to the seismometer opens up a control panel and screen and starts typing away, then he says “Well according to this you have farted twice in the last hour.”
The geologist says, “Here let me show you.” and walks up to the seismometer opens up a control panel and screen and starts typing away, then he says “Well according to this you have farted twice in the last hour.”
this woman got four son's, and there alway's swearing.
one morning the eldest, goes down for breakfast, and she say's what do you want for breakfast, and he say' I'll have fucking cornflakes, and she hit's him round the side of the head.
the next eldest goes in, she ask the same question of him, and he say's (you've guessed it) and she hit's him .
the third boy, and the exact same thing happen's.
well the youngest had seen, his three brother get hit, so he goes in and his mother ask, what would you like for your breakfast, and he say's after seeing, what I just saw, I'd be a cunt, if I ask for fucking cornflake's.
teacher ask her children, to form a sentence, with the word contagious in it.
so little jenny put's her hand up, and say's measles are contagious, very good say's the teacher.
then little simon put's his hand up, and say's there are lot's of diseases that are very contagious, very good say's the teacher.
then little johnny put's his hand up,(and teacher know that johnny's a bit of a lad but she let's him speak)he say's the next door neighbour, was cuting the grass, and my dad said, it'll take that cunt age's to cut that.
one morning the eldest, goes down for breakfast, and she say's what do you want for breakfast, and he say' I'll have fucking cornflakes, and she hit's him round the side of the head.
the next eldest goes in, she ask the same question of him, and he say's (you've guessed it) and she hit's him .
the third boy, and the exact same thing happen's.
well the youngest had seen, his three brother get hit, so he goes in and his mother ask, what would you like for your breakfast, and he say's after seeing, what I just saw, I'd be a cunt, if I ask for fucking cornflake's.
teacher ask her children, to form a sentence, with the word contagious in it.
so little jenny put's her hand up, and say's measles are contagious, very good say's the teacher.
then little simon put's his hand up, and say's there are lot's of diseases that are very contagious, very good say's the teacher.
then little johnny put's his hand up,(and teacher know that johnny's a bit of a lad but she let's him speak)he say's the next door neighbour, was cuting the grass, and my dad said, it'll take that cunt age's to cut that.
As for Jay Leno's Monologues, here are where you can find the archives. I'm at work, so I can't play any with the sound to find the 3-year old joke: http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/monologues/
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
Question:
What are the 4 quick and easy and effective ways to end the middle east conflict?
Answer:
Nuclear, biological, chemical warfare.
And divine intervention.
I want some feedback. Did this make you laugh? Or is it too sick?
What are the 4 quick and easy and effective ways to end the middle east conflict?
Answer:
Nuclear, biological, chemical warfare.
And divine intervention.
I want some feedback. Did this make you laugh? Or is it too sick?
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T
The Ignorant ONE
Guest
Had some good laughs, just adding to the enjoyment
what do you call a doctor who performs abortion on black people?
crime stoppers
Why are black people so fast?
The slow ones are in jail
How do you get a paki out of the swimming pool?
Throw in some soap
A black guy and a mexican get into a car, who drives?
The police officer
Whats the cuban national anthem?
Row Row Row your boat
What do you call a black priest?
Holy shit
2 pakis sitting in a tree 1 took a shit then there were 3
what do you call a doctor who performs abortion on black people?
crime stoppers
Why are black people so fast?
The slow ones are in jail
How do you get a paki out of the swimming pool?
Throw in some soap
A black guy and a mexican get into a car, who drives?
The police officer
Whats the cuban national anthem?
Row Row Row your boat
What do you call a black priest?
Holy shit
2 pakis sitting in a tree 1 took a shit then there were 3
the racist ones don't really get me, it makes my want to crack a white mans head open, the sex with small children and animals ones, those really get me 
how about some really gross ones anyone got more of those?
how about some really gross ones anyone got more of those?
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Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.
Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder.
Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?
Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.
Hinduism: this shit happened before.
Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.
Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit!
Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder.
Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?
Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.
Hinduism: this shit happened before.
Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.
Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit!
Theres an englishman, an irishman, and a scotsman, running away from the police, they run down a back alley and theres three sacks, so they all jump in a sack and the policemen come along kick the first sack and the scotsman inside says 'woof' so they think it must be a dog and kick the second sack, the englishman inside says 'meow' so they think it must be a cat and kick the third sack, and the irishman inside says 'potatoes'.
hi guys, this is not sick but i think it's very funny, so i am willing to face your scorn for not posting a sick joke.
A new priest was performing his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak.
After the mass was over he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous i take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous so he took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off of his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said “take this and eat for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”
13) The recommended grace for before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest a St Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.
A new priest was performing his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak.
After the mass was over he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous i take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous so he took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off of his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said “take this and eat for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”
13) The recommended grace for before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest a St Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.
Why is jeremy beadle like a clock? he has a big hand, a small hand, and a wind up face.
I hear jeremy beadle has a small dick, but on the other hand, its quite big...
Jeremy beadle and his wife are playing cards, his wife looks over and says 'thats a shit hand you've got there jeremy'.
I hear jeremy beadle has a small dick, but on the other hand, its quite big...
Jeremy beadle and his wife are playing cards, his wife looks over and says 'thats a shit hand you've got there jeremy'.
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