The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,

"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"
 
A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.

The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."

"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"

"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.

The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"

"25," he says.

"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"
 
this one is pretty sick guys so i appologies in advance

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Cancer.
 
A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"
 
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway?

A nun with a javelin through her head.
 
What's big and black and comes in a small white box?

Tiny Pinder

my american friend told me that i dont know who he is but its still funny


What uses a gallon of petrol in 15 seconds and doesn't move?

a buddhist monk

speak to you all soon i am fresh out of jokes for the time being
 
a homo is at circus watching the lion-tamer, the lion-tamer goes up to this lion, get is cock out and puts it in the lions mouth, he then hits the lion on the head with a club, and the lion bites down hard.
he takes is cock out unmarked, and say to the audiance, "I give a hundred pound to anyone, who can do that".
the homo puts his hand up, and says "I'll do it, but dont hit to hard".
 
sherlock holmes says to watson "go get the vasaline I wish to bum you" "very well holmes" says watson, a couple of minutes later "sorry holmes cant find the vasaline ", "then fetch the lemon curd",a couple of minutes later with the lemon curd.
and holmes bums watson afterwards watson says to holmes "how did you know to use lemon curd", and holmes says "lemon entry, my dear watson lemon entry".


this is not the best of jokes, but every time sherlock holmes, comes on the tele it will come to mind.
 
did you hear about leper, playing cards he through his hand in.

two tramps walk down the road and they spy a squashed rabbit, one of them picks it and starts eating it the other say how can you eat, that 20 minutes later, the one who ate the rabbit pukes up, and the other get down his knee and start laping it up and first one says, I thought you did'nt want any rabbit, no he says I cant eat cold food, I like my dinners warmed up.
 
This one is a classic from my childhood. its not to offensive unless you have a small penis.

A Chinese man goes to this butcher, this butcher is known to have a meat for every kind of problem, so the Chinese man comes to the butch and says “I got this… small problem” The butch says “I think I understand, I got the answer: SPAM!” so the Chinese man buys a box of Spam.

A Russian man goes to that butcher and says “I got this… very small problem” The butch says “I think I understand, I got the answer: SPAM!” so the Russian man buys a 3 boxes of Spam.

A American man goes to that butcher and says, “I got this very very small problem” The butch says “I think I understand, I got the answer: SPAM!” so the American man buys a whole cart of Spam.

The next day the Chinese man comes in to see the butcher, the butcher asks: “So how well did it work?” the Chinese man gestures with his hands spread apart about 6inchs.

The next day the Russian man comes in to see the butcher, the butcher asks: “So how well did it work?” the Russian man gestures with his hands spread apart about 18inchs!

The next day the American man comes in to see the butcher, the butcher asks: “So how well did it work” the American man says “See that girl across the street there?, *does pelvic thrust* urrg I got her!!!
 
I heard this on Jay Leno, but i am not sure i should have posted here. Anyway here goes...
Jay Leno:''What do call 3 year olds running in Kentucky. The Kentucky Derby. What do you call 3 years old running in California. Neverland Ranch'' I think that is how it goes....... Somebody correct me if I am wrong.
 
little boy come's home school, and say's to his dad what's a cunt, being a modern parent he say's come up stairs, they walk in on mum having a nap.
dad gently pull's mum's undie's off, and he say's to his son see that furry thing there.
well that's lovly, rest of her a cunt.
 
A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
 
cop drive's down lover's lane, see three steamed up cars, so pull's over.
he knock's on the first car's window, a girl wind's it down, and he say's what are you doing, she say's the tango.
so he walk's over and tap's on the window of the second car, it open's, and he say's what are you doing, a girl's the bossanova.
so he knock's on the third car, and say's so what are you doing, the tango or the bossanova.
the girl say's, no doing the boss a favor
 
Q: What would you call the Flinstones if they were black?
A: Fucking niggers.

Q: What's purple and hangs in my back yard?
A: My nigger and I can paint him any colour I want.

Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender head first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face?

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One part ice cream, two parts dad baby.

Q: What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between an 8 year old girl and your mom?
A: I only fuck your mom in my dreams.
 
you guys have kept me in pub ammo for ages!
please keep it up!
i've been permanantly fubar-e on narcotics for a few weeks so I haven't heard anything goo for a while.
Sorry!

The Flemster.
 
a little boy, on a bus and a priest sit next to him, and pulls out a bottle from his pocket and say's see this if I put a bit of this on you, you will go to heaven.
it's holy water.
and the little boy take's a bottle out of his pocket and say's to the priest, if I put a drop of this on your bollocks, you go a hundred mile's an hour, it's nitric acid.

I know it's a bit lame.
 
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