I cannot criticize anyone for attempting to explain complicated things in simple language, I do that almost all of the time, but it is a crude tool and often leads to misunderstandings. Keeping that in mind, using "common sense" does not mean that everything has any direct analog to our classical everyday experience. You seem to be attempting to read lay oriented comments, from an everyday perspective, as though they are a complete and accurate description of the science.
It seems to me that you are guilty of the same "brainwashing" (though that is a bad way of describing the psychological context of belief), that you are accusing others of. An ether filling space is an attractive classical way of attempting to explain things that are not fundamentally, consistent with our classical everyday experience. That does not make it an accurate description of reality.
ALL OF THE FOLLOWING IS SPECULATION INTENDED TO PRESENT A MEANS TO BRIDGE THE GAP BETWEEN THE IDEA THAT PHYSICISTS BELIEVE IN A RELATIVISTIC ETHER LIKE, SPACE OR SPACETIME. IT IS NOT INTENDED AS A DEFINITIVE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT IS REAL.
Part of the problem is that most of the time in discussions like this, space or spacetime, mass and energy are treated as inherently fundamental. When in reality they are all more complicated and may be either emergent or a composite of two or more, more fundamental components. Take space/spacetime (just as an example and not with any intent to claim the following is reality): QM describes space as an empty box, very Newtonian.., which is filled with an ever present interaction of fundamental fields (zero-point energy and the associated zero-point field, ZPF). GR does not inherently distinguish between that empty box and the zero-point energy within it, one could even imagine that the spacetime of GR is an empty box space and the dynamic ZPF of QM filling it. The two making up one thing. Since charged particles and through them the matter composed of charged particles, does interact with the ZPF, the two together become a dynamic spacetime, where the dynamics of changes in the ZPF from one location to another in space is only observed or measured over time. Does this mean that the ZPF is an ether, no but it does suggest that as a composite, space together with a dynamic ZPF, could be thought of as interacting with matter like a relativistic ether.
However, as described above the either like space/ZPF composite would not wave! Though some of the classical relationships (but not all), GR describes, between space/spacetime and matter, could be explained by the dynamic interaction between massive objects and the ZPF, where each has a dynamic affect on the other.
This however does not even begin to address the behavior of photons and particles at the level associated with QM and wave particle duality... That is a subject for QM not any ether like classical interaction(s)...