defenestrated
Registered Member
recent emotional excavations have brought to light an experience from when i was younger which, although i accepted it at the time, i now simply cannot assimilate with any way i have of making sense of the world. so i'm asking, i suppose, if anyone here has been through a similar situation or has anything at all, really, to remark. bear in mind that i was 16 at the time, so not only are details rather sketchy in my memory, but you should forgive any apparent foolishness.
i knew a young man when i was in my teens who was severely troubled, let's call him Joey. He was talented and intelligent but inescapably drawn to all things "dark," and his normal easy humor was replaced sometimes by episodes of deep melancholy or anger. Now, I know what you're thinking, or what you'll eventually begin to think as you read on, but let me add here that over the couple of years I was close to Joey, he saw more mental health professionals than i cared to count, and was never diagnosed with anything other than learning disabilities.
when he was twenty or twenty-one, Joey started to "lose" chunks of time - he'd just have no idea what had happened for the last half hour to afternoon. he cheated on his girlfriend, whom he loved very much, and was unable to remember it afterwards. and yes, he was high at the time, but marijuana does not generally have the effect in experienced users of causing complete blackouts. he'd taunt friends about horrible things he'd done and then, again, not remember and seem to feel horrible when he was told. eventually the other "state" named itself and identified itself as a separate psychic entity - essentially, what one might call a demon. let me repeat that tens of mental health professional couldn't find anything wrong with this boy. also, typical multiple personality syndrome is rather static - in Joey's case, the initial "other" hung around for a while and disappeared, then was replaced in a few weeks' time with a different "other," which behaved differently, though still maliciously, and had a different name; this then splintered into two distinct characters. a detailed explanation of the progression - it was really a whole drama over this man's mind - would take almost as much space as the rest of the volume i've written here, so i'll skip it.
once that initial identification was made, joey was aware of and even spoke of interacting with these others; this, too, is anomalous to the usual multiple personality syndrome. this was, to him, and to those around him because we had no idea how to respond, a spiritual crisis rather than a mental one. it may also be relevant to note that his mother was one of a long familial line of witches, and to comment upon his environment at the time. the house he was living in was one of the oldest in the city and had, to anyone with any sort of sensitivity, psychic or otherwise, a constant, palpable feeling of pain, negativity, and fear. the garage on the lot, in which joey lived at the onset of his difficulties, was a million times worse. i myself could not go in there without crying and becoming hysterical; my recollection is one of absolute panic, the certainty that not only did every dark corner hold a monster but that the friends behind you were going to sneak up and murder you. god knows what must have happened in that place at some point in its history. the upstairs of the house, which joey moved into at the urging of his girlfriend, who also couldn't stand the garage, was known to have a troubled history and i can say that i myself encountered at least one of its less-corporeal inhabitants upon occasion.
now that i've written all of that, i'm not even sure if it makes any sense. i guess that, barring mental illness, what i'm talking of could only be termed "possession," but that seems such a ridiculous word that even i have a hard time taking myself seriously using it. yet treatment failed to unearth any diagnosable problem, and the whole experience ran quite counter to the specifics of the diseases it initially resembled. i don't know what became of joey, but i can offer a few more specifics if anyone is at all interested. i'd like to lay these memories to rest, but i need to understand them to do so.
i knew a young man when i was in my teens who was severely troubled, let's call him Joey. He was talented and intelligent but inescapably drawn to all things "dark," and his normal easy humor was replaced sometimes by episodes of deep melancholy or anger. Now, I know what you're thinking, or what you'll eventually begin to think as you read on, but let me add here that over the couple of years I was close to Joey, he saw more mental health professionals than i cared to count, and was never diagnosed with anything other than learning disabilities.
when he was twenty or twenty-one, Joey started to "lose" chunks of time - he'd just have no idea what had happened for the last half hour to afternoon. he cheated on his girlfriend, whom he loved very much, and was unable to remember it afterwards. and yes, he was high at the time, but marijuana does not generally have the effect in experienced users of causing complete blackouts. he'd taunt friends about horrible things he'd done and then, again, not remember and seem to feel horrible when he was told. eventually the other "state" named itself and identified itself as a separate psychic entity - essentially, what one might call a demon. let me repeat that tens of mental health professional couldn't find anything wrong with this boy. also, typical multiple personality syndrome is rather static - in Joey's case, the initial "other" hung around for a while and disappeared, then was replaced in a few weeks' time with a different "other," which behaved differently, though still maliciously, and had a different name; this then splintered into two distinct characters. a detailed explanation of the progression - it was really a whole drama over this man's mind - would take almost as much space as the rest of the volume i've written here, so i'll skip it.
once that initial identification was made, joey was aware of and even spoke of interacting with these others; this, too, is anomalous to the usual multiple personality syndrome. this was, to him, and to those around him because we had no idea how to respond, a spiritual crisis rather than a mental one. it may also be relevant to note that his mother was one of a long familial line of witches, and to comment upon his environment at the time. the house he was living in was one of the oldest in the city and had, to anyone with any sort of sensitivity, psychic or otherwise, a constant, palpable feeling of pain, negativity, and fear. the garage on the lot, in which joey lived at the onset of his difficulties, was a million times worse. i myself could not go in there without crying and becoming hysterical; my recollection is one of absolute panic, the certainty that not only did every dark corner hold a monster but that the friends behind you were going to sneak up and murder you. god knows what must have happened in that place at some point in its history. the upstairs of the house, which joey moved into at the urging of his girlfriend, who also couldn't stand the garage, was known to have a troubled history and i can say that i myself encountered at least one of its less-corporeal inhabitants upon occasion.
now that i've written all of that, i'm not even sure if it makes any sense. i guess that, barring mental illness, what i'm talking of could only be termed "possession," but that seems such a ridiculous word that even i have a hard time taking myself seriously using it. yet treatment failed to unearth any diagnosable problem, and the whole experience ran quite counter to the specifics of the diseases it initially resembled. i don't know what became of joey, but i can offer a few more specifics if anyone is at all interested. i'd like to lay these memories to rest, but i need to understand them to do so.
