Scivillage

I focus again on the mystery man in front of me. I hear some shuffling behind me and when I look around the tree i just relieved myself against is gone.

Ah well, one of those little mysteries of life. No need to brake what is left of my brain pondering about that. que sera sera. whatever will be will be...


I notice I was singing out loud. The mystery man has discovered my presence and is staring at me.

I decide to run.
 
And da Monkey ran and he ran, as fast as he could. That is, as fast as he could run and sing, because he forgot to stop singing, completely flabbergasted as he was as he noticed the mystery man.
 
I had been running for hours. I only stopped running because I ran out of songs to sing. Strangely enough I hadn't even realized I was singing.


weird he!!
 
i hear the singing in the distance cease, as a loud ape-like scream, followed by a slightly more feminine one resonate through the forest.

the outcast is in trouble! i must go help him, and then urinate on him in revenge
 
I reached my hut. I look around a bit and kick some stuff.

I'm bored.

I look at my distillery. It's not doing much, but I get a brilliant notion. I'm going to build myself a rocket space ship and use my distillery to make rocket fuel.

I take a hatchet I stole from the farmer and go to the forest to chop down a big tree. I will hollow it out and that will be the frame for my space rocket ship.

Before I leave I turn my distillery on to make rocket fuel.
 
I find a nice big oak tree and start chopping it down. Some birds nest are falling out of the tree during my lumberjacking experience. I look at them. And shrug.

After 3 hours the big old tree finally crashed down on the forest floor. 3 squirrels run away into safety. Another one is squashed underneath the tree. I shrug.

I hollow out the tree. I chop out several compartments in it. I encouter several maggots and worms doing this. I nibble on some of them. They don't taste so bad.

When I am done I chop down another oak to make the tip of the rocket space ship. Butterflies flutter in my face as a protest. I swipe them away.

I put the rocket together. I chop down all trees in the vicinity to make a nice clearing where I can launch my rocket space ship. I encounter a baby bambi. It looks at me expectantly. I can only think 'supplies'. So I smoke the meat of the dear.
 
Searching between falling trees and branches, the little tiger eats all that it finds, pancaked squirrels, birds, eggs, even, an rare one of the kind excotic flow, everything goes down the hatch.

As spurious complets the hull of his rocketship i climb aboard, inside i find a nice and cosy living room, decorated with all kinds of pictures and trinketes, even the drink cabinet is there, standing inbetween various other shelfs and cabinet, whom all seem to be admiring it so.

The living room also has a fireplace where a few logs slowly are burning away, heathing up the room. Infront of the fireplace I find a the grandest leather chair, and in the chair I find a big ol' blanket, it's soft and warm, I quickly claim the chair and blanket as mine and fall a sleep.

Outside it seem to be raining on the monkey.
 
I load up my rocket with highly combustible rocket fuel and a case of booze.

I also take some snacks along because it could be a long flight.

I let anyone come on the rocket space ship who wishes to come along (except people who are too fat for reasons of lift off capacity).

I close the door, sit on my confy chair...and jump 3 meters up..

Something just clawed half my ass off.

I see I shouldn't mess with what just clawed half my ass off so I take a seat somewhere else.

The drinks cabinet makes me a drink. For saftey reasons I tell him to fill the glass only half full...better make me two I add.

Then I push the start button and off we go. Slowly we are picking up speed and I stick my head outside the window to see where we are going. Still up... I look around and see a forest fire below. ah well...

When I find it hard to breath I close the window. Unfortunately someone just farted, but I can't open the window anymore. The dangers of spaceflight are not to be underestimated.

And then we are in space.

Where shall we go people?

Remain in Lower Earth Orbit?

The Moon? Could be a good idea because we are low on cheese.
 
I am sitting quite content in my little rocket ship. I've been such a happy chappy that I didn't notice that actually nobody joined me on this space mission. What I previously thought to be interesting replies to my witty comments where merely echos of the wooden walls.

I wonder why nobody is here?

My thoughts are interrupted by a rather loud bang coming from behind me. Either I just did a record braking fart or my rocket engine just exploded. I have a quick look into the state of my underpants and they are relatively unsoiled. But I have a feeling now that they won't stay that pristine for very long.

I look over my shoulder.

aye...

I see a huge hole and the earth lurking behind it.

My precious spaceship starts to crash.

I see my humble life flashing in front of me. It seems to consist mainly of drinking copious amounts of scirum.

And then there is a crash...

and blackness...


and wetness...


I thought hell was supposed to be warm and dry?? what the fuck?



My rocketship made out of a hollowed out tree has landed in the pond behind my hut.

The drinks cabinet on wheels is waving at me from the shoreline.

I start to paddle towards it. Make myself a caipirinha and chill out against a tree.

haha...that was fun...

When I get home I should change my underpants though.
 
Back at the village the little tiger is rudely waken by a loud noise, a noise so loud it sounded like a 1000 thunderbolt all at once.

The tiger stumbles out its tiger den, which just so happens to be the outcasts old hut. Outside in the deserted street of the village the tiger looks, curious about what could have made such a grandiose and overwhelming BANG, so loud that even the earth shook in terror.

But nothing does the tiger see, only the empty streets of the village, then a smell, a foul and noxious smell, from behind the hut reaches the little tigers little nostrils.
First the tiger wants to run away and so it does, but then curiosity gets the better of the little tiger and back again he goes, around the house, imaging countless horrors of what could be hiding behind the hut along his way.

Around the hut the tiger finds no monsters only the foul and noxious smell, but then the tiger sees the outcast sitting by the wall, and around the corner the tiger rushes to greet his old friend, but quickly again the tiger stops as the smell increases.
Then the little tiger thinks, the outcast must have forgot to bury his poop, i will help him bury it, and so it goes the tiger starts to shovel dirt, grass and leaves on top of the outcast with all it mighty kitten paws.
 
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Waking up after hibernation, I find that I twitched my really small tail in my sleep and set my blimp to ascend. As a result I am now 170 miles above the earth and have won the Ansari X-Prize, or would have had it not already been won by SpaceShipOne and if the X-Prize foundation existed in SciVillage, which it does not.
 
I'm sitting against the tree and chilling out when suddenly an orange/black monster with humongous fangs and claws jumps out of the forest. I shit my pants in fear for a second time. This fresh smell of angst seems to incite the black and orange monster even more.

It starts clawing at me but seems to miss me all the time. Instead it hits the dirt all the time and this dirt accidently lands on me all the time. Weird. Within seconds I am buried.

With my last effort i put my drink to my mouth. Yuck...there is dirt in it.

It's dark now and I am having difficulties breathing.

I remember seeing a movie once called 'kill bill'. Some chick got buried alive and with a karate chop she frees herself.

I start karate chopping the ground above me.

I pop out of my premature grave and the orange black monster looks at me with interest.

I jump out of the grave and run towards my hut, slamming the door behind me.
 
SCIVILLAGE
report by:
Genius: cool skill

DAY 706
After long weary days of pulling out crops and planting seeds, I headed off to consult the great pumpkin of Scivillage. I asked the great pumpkin who was the wisest in all of Scivillage. After long hours of no response, hunger began to set in. I lunged at the sacred great pumpkin, and began gobbling it up. I fell inside the great pumpkin, but I couldn't get it off of me. I began walking around the village trying to get help.

Suddenly, I see the village outcast pop himself out of poop infested dirt that he seemed to have drank. Perhaps he could help me get the Great Pumkin off of me. Interesting indeed. But to my dismay, he an to his hut and slammed the door.
 
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Due to the extreme altitude at which my blimp had ascended to, even the bulletproof hardshell which encased it gave up the goose.
All lift which I had previously vanished as the helium escaped, and down I plummeted. The CHU livery flaked off as atmospheric friction set the TV arial on fire. I spilled my cocktail. In the moments before I blacked out, I managed to eject. Just before losing consciousness completely, I saw the path my flaming blimp was taking.

Straight towards a primitive wooden hut...
 
In a moment of boredom I venture into my little garden where I grow hop for my beer. It's a beautiful night and I admire the stars. FUCK ME>>>>>>> a FUCKING UFO!!! I see a blazing eliptical shape shooting through the sky heading somewhat towards me. I run inside and return with my state of the art betamax videocamera. I point it towards the UFO who seems to be approaching me fast. Bloody hell, this is going to aired all over the news in a worldwide fashion. FUCK FUCK FUCK I am going to be famous!!!

wait...

it's not stopping...'PEACE BROTHER ALIENS!!!' i , but my brothers do not seem to hear me.

I drop my camera and run like a cheetah on speed.


A loud crash followed by a shockwave throw me to the ground landing in a bush of thorny roses. I look back and see my little house burning. Secondary explosions indicate that the fire found my stashes of scirum...

I weep.


fuck....i dropped my camera...

i weep some more...

I try to move...the thorns cut into my flesh....

I weep some and then some more....
 
SCIVILLAGE
report by:
Genius: cool skill

DAY 722
Sucsess! I had finally eaten my way out of this enormous pumpkin. This calls for celebration. I grabbed a chunk of the remaining pumpkin, and put it in my pocket. That way, I could use it later throw in the river for the piranahs to feast on. As long as they are focused on feeding on the pumpkin chunk, I could safely wash myself off in the river. If I remember to bathe that is. Sometimes I forget to do that.

As I strolled towards the village, I saw somebody's house on fire. There was only one thing to do, run to the river, and get some water to put it out. The river was not too far away. I ran towards the river as fast as I could, but my fatness from eating that cursed pumpkin had not allowed me to prosper. Perhaps if I jog around the river a few times each day, I would get back to my normal beautiful self. I began to jog along the river bank, smiling and waving at the birds and wild life that greeted me as I passed along. For some reason, in the back of my mind, there was some urgent matter that I needed to attend to. Some dire emergency that I came to the river for. What could it have been?

Finally it all came back to me. What have I done? I cannot believe I let it slip my mind like this. I immediately ran back to the mouth of the river, reached into my pocket, and lunged the chunk of pumpkin into the other side of the river. As the piranahs focused on devouring the chunk, I bathed myself off. I could not help but admire my great memory. Only a genius such as myself would never let washing the pumpkin grime off of my body slip my mind. I truly am amazing.
 
seeing as i have been living in hiding for the last half-year in a hollowed out treetrunk i found, i am suitably dirty. luckily, i have had a hatchet with which to hunt small game, such as mice and rabbit.

my career hadnt been practiced much in my "forest man" time, and so i made my way toward the town square. oddly enough, i saw a straw hut with a sign over it that says "Baby Meat Chef"....MY LUCKY STARS! THERE IS A JOB OPENING IN MY CHOSEN FIELD!!

rushing toward the hut, i ran into the giant chest of an overgrown hulk of a man..."You aint from 'round here, are ya boy?" he exclaims.

resorting to what i know best, i had no choice but to crush his gonads with one upwards thrust of my foot.

oh, lawsy me......my baby cooking days have come back to visit me!!
prepare for adventure!
 
burninhellmaggotsrk1.jpg


Burn Baby Burn!​
 
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