All right brothers and sisters in Adamism, time for my first ever sermon of silliness.
THE ELEVEN COMMANDMENTS
(We have more than the christians, so we're better
)
Here are the rules of Adamism as laid down in the One True Bible many thousands of years ago by my Holier Than Thou ancestor Bob, He Who Must Not Be Named.
1) Don't take anything for granted. Don't believe the universe is the way it is because I or one of my Holy Ancestors made it that way on a whim. Find out for yourself.
2) Be groovy to each other. None of that religious persecution crap and converting entire continents with the sword/rifle. No inquisitions (torture-fests) or witch-hunts (rape-fests).
3) Don't go bleeting about the One True Religion (Adamism) all over the place in the hopes that other people may decide to convert. It's kind of annoying.
4) No violence, except in self-defence or the defence of those who can't defend themselves. Or if it's time for a good turkey dinner.
5) Don't take. Only accept what is given. (See, if everyone followed this simple idea, there would be no rape, theft, or anything like that.)
6) If you want to make donations to a church, make them to the One True Church's coffers (my bank account). I swear I'll put the money to good use.
7) Don't eat Vegemite, it's disgusting.
8) If you run a company, do all that clean technology stuff. Cut down pollution.
9) Covet anyone you want, even your neighbour's wife, I don't care. Just don't DO anything about it unless invited to. See rule 5.
10) Take a few minutes every day to appreciate the Magnificent Bikini and those who wear it.
11) Skin-tight clothing is a privelage, not a right.
THE EIGHT DEADLY SINS
(Again, we have more than the christians, so we're better )
1) Acceptance without reason.
2) Screwing over other people for your own gratification (religious, sexual, financial, whatever).
3) Vegemite.
4) Hiring Paul Hogan.
5) Comb-overs.
6) Brown suits.
7) Warm beer.
8) Charging more than $3 for a sandwich.
GENESIS
In the beginning, my Holy Ancestor Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) was wondering about doing his caveman stuff, and saw something fall from the sky. A bright streak through the air, then BOOM! A meteorite crashed down not far ahead of him.
Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) went over to have a closer look, and found mammoth bits scattered all over a small depression in the ground, and a really hard black rock in the middle. At first Bob thought "Fudge, maybe some big-arse spirit decided to fetch me dinner tonight".
But then he thought a bit more and realised the rock was only a rock. Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) thought about how a rock could have fallen from so high, when there were no mountains nearby. He also wondered why it had been so bright and glowing on the way down.
Thus was born the Reasoning Of Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named), our Most High And Noble Ideal. Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) started to wonder about the nature of flying rocks, about how many were up in the sky, why they fell, why they glowed, and so on.
Since Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) couldn't see any other rocks above him that looked like rocks, he thought about the stars. There seemed to Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) a good chance that those stars were glowing rocks just like the one that had killed his dinner.
Then Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) ran his arse off, fearing he was about to be pelted by about ten thousand falling glowing rocks. But after a while of running in circles, Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) settled down and realised they weren't falling, so he got out from under the log where he'd been hiding and started thinking again.
Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) realised the stars and the rock might or might not be similar. He wondered how would would ever find out the truth. Then an idea struck him, much as the rock had struck the mammoth, but with far more positive effects for the stricken. He'd THINK about it!
Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) thought then "Wow, I've been doing this thinking stuff for a good half hour by now without realising it. So I think without thinking about it. Oooh, spooky, thought without thought, I wonder what that means..."
Then Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) sat amongst the mammoth bits for two days thinking about Stuff. He came to the conclusion that someone far away must have thrown that rock really high. He was wrong of course, but that's not the point. He also came to the conclusion that acepting that the rock and the stars were the same thing was not good enough, it was the weeny way out; and if he was to be true to his nature, he would have to Learn. What nature? Well, the other thing he had realised was that he had been thinking all along, without meaning to, so thinking must be something people did naturally.
Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) wandered about talking to rocks, trees, dirt, all sorts of things, until He got sick of it and decided that all thsoe things didn't Think as he did. He went home with some mammoth bits and asked his clan "Hey, any of you know much about this Thinking stuff?" He got a few "Ug" and "Uh?" for answers but nothing too interesting (his caveman and cavewoman clan-folk were more interested in looking for lice in each other's hair), and decided he must be the first person to Think.
So Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) came up with the Gospel...
THE GOSPEL
I am Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named).
I Think.
I'm the first to Think. And probably the best too.
The world is made up of rocks and stars and crap like that. Also tasty mammoth bits. But some of it is a tad unexplained. So we should Think about it and learn what we can, and never ever accept that a rock is a star unless we know it is so.
Enough Thinking, my mammoth bits are cooked...
THE LESSON IN TONIGHT'S SERMON
I can make up crap as well as those punks centuries ago could. And I find mine has more worth in terms of both moral philosophy and humour. Heck, I only had one death, that poor mammoth! No rape, incest (although everyone really comes from incest, it would have been unavoidable in those days), or entire cities being slaughtered. None of this "Do as I say, not as I do" crap. No "Do as I say or you're screwed for eternity" crap. No "I can't give you any evidence of my existence or for the true nature of the universe right now, I'm a tad busy, but just take my word for it anyway" crap.
Do you have ANY idea how incredibly bored I am right now, to sit here and write out all this complete bollocks?
THE ELEVEN COMMANDMENTS
(We have more than the christians, so we're better
)Here are the rules of Adamism as laid down in the One True Bible many thousands of years ago by my Holier Than Thou ancestor Bob, He Who Must Not Be Named.
1) Don't take anything for granted. Don't believe the universe is the way it is because I or one of my Holy Ancestors made it that way on a whim. Find out for yourself.
2) Be groovy to each other. None of that religious persecution crap and converting entire continents with the sword/rifle. No inquisitions (torture-fests) or witch-hunts (rape-fests).
3) Don't go bleeting about the One True Religion (Adamism) all over the place in the hopes that other people may decide to convert. It's kind of annoying.
4) No violence, except in self-defence or the defence of those who can't defend themselves. Or if it's time for a good turkey dinner.
5) Don't take. Only accept what is given. (See, if everyone followed this simple idea, there would be no rape, theft, or anything like that.)
6) If you want to make donations to a church, make them to the One True Church's coffers (my bank account). I swear I'll put the money to good use.
7) Don't eat Vegemite, it's disgusting.
8) If you run a company, do all that clean technology stuff. Cut down pollution.
9) Covet anyone you want, even your neighbour's wife, I don't care. Just don't DO anything about it unless invited to. See rule 5.
10) Take a few minutes every day to appreciate the Magnificent Bikini and those who wear it.
11) Skin-tight clothing is a privelage, not a right.
THE EIGHT DEADLY SINS
(Again, we have more than the christians, so we're better
)1) Acceptance without reason.
2) Screwing over other people for your own gratification (religious, sexual, financial, whatever).
3) Vegemite.
4) Hiring Paul Hogan.
5) Comb-overs.
6) Brown suits.
7) Warm beer.
8) Charging more than $3 for a sandwich.
GENESIS
In the beginning, my Holy Ancestor Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) was wondering about doing his caveman stuff, and saw something fall from the sky. A bright streak through the air, then BOOM! A meteorite crashed down not far ahead of him.
Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) went over to have a closer look, and found mammoth bits scattered all over a small depression in the ground, and a really hard black rock in the middle. At first Bob thought "Fudge, maybe some big-arse spirit decided to fetch me dinner tonight".
But then he thought a bit more and realised the rock was only a rock. Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) thought about how a rock could have fallen from so high, when there were no mountains nearby. He also wondered why it had been so bright and glowing on the way down.
Thus was born the Reasoning Of Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named), our Most High And Noble Ideal. Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) started to wonder about the nature of flying rocks, about how many were up in the sky, why they fell, why they glowed, and so on.
Since Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) couldn't see any other rocks above him that looked like rocks, he thought about the stars. There seemed to Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) a good chance that those stars were glowing rocks just like the one that had killed his dinner.
Then Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) ran his arse off, fearing he was about to be pelted by about ten thousand falling glowing rocks. But after a while of running in circles, Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) settled down and realised they weren't falling, so he got out from under the log where he'd been hiding and started thinking again.
Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) realised the stars and the rock might or might not be similar. He wondered how would would ever find out the truth. Then an idea struck him, much as the rock had struck the mammoth, but with far more positive effects for the stricken. He'd THINK about it!
Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) thought then "Wow, I've been doing this thinking stuff for a good half hour by now without realising it. So I think without thinking about it. Oooh, spooky, thought without thought, I wonder what that means..."
Then Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) sat amongst the mammoth bits for two days thinking about Stuff. He came to the conclusion that someone far away must have thrown that rock really high. He was wrong of course, but that's not the point. He also came to the conclusion that acepting that the rock and the stars were the same thing was not good enough, it was the weeny way out; and if he was to be true to his nature, he would have to Learn. What nature? Well, the other thing he had realised was that he had been thinking all along, without meaning to, so thinking must be something people did naturally.
Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) wandered about talking to rocks, trees, dirt, all sorts of things, until He got sick of it and decided that all thsoe things didn't Think as he did. He went home with some mammoth bits and asked his clan "Hey, any of you know much about this Thinking stuff?" He got a few "Ug" and "Uh?" for answers but nothing too interesting (his caveman and cavewoman clan-folk were more interested in looking for lice in each other's hair), and decided he must be the first person to Think.
So Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named) came up with the Gospel...
THE GOSPEL
I am Bob (He Who Must Not Be Named).
I Think.
I'm the first to Think. And probably the best too.
The world is made up of rocks and stars and crap like that. Also tasty mammoth bits. But some of it is a tad unexplained. So we should Think about it and learn what we can, and never ever accept that a rock is a star unless we know it is so.
Enough Thinking, my mammoth bits are cooked...
THE LESSON IN TONIGHT'S SERMON
I can make up crap as well as those punks centuries ago could. And I find mine has more worth in terms of both moral philosophy and humour. Heck, I only had one death, that poor mammoth! No rape, incest (although everyone really comes from incest, it would have been unavoidable in those days), or entire cities being slaughtered. None of this "Do as I say, not as I do" crap. No "Do as I say or you're screwed for eternity" crap. No "I can't give you any evidence of my existence or for the true nature of the universe right now, I'm a tad busy, but just take my word for it anyway" crap.
Do you have ANY idea how incredibly bored I am right now, to sit here and write out all this complete bollocks?