Relationships & Hot Buttons

[KilljoyKlown]

You ever notice how all arguments in relationships tend to escalate into full fledged fights when one person starts pushing the other's hot buttons?

What is a hot button and how does it ever become known to your significant other? Every time you get angry or display a strong emotion, that's a button that will get pushed during some future argument or fight. The worst kind of hot button is the threat. “if you do this, I will kill you”, because it will get pushed. Now the person who made the threat can either kill you or walk away and either way he/she is now in big trouble. If he/she kills you their life goes to hell quickly and if they didn't back up their threat, your not going to believe they will ever doing anything to you, no matter what you do that they don't like. Now even if they realize how weak their position in the relationship just became, they will still fight to stay in the relationship, sometime to the point of no return. They finally carry out their threat because they no longer care what happens to them.

Moral of the story is never make a threat you aren't prepared to back up the first time that button gets pushed. In any relationship your credibility needs to be one of your top priorities at all times and if you slip and compromise that credibility it's time to end the relationship.

 

[cosmictraveler]

I'm thankful that during any of my relationships or marriage I never had an argument which lead to anything like that being said. Matter of fact I really have never known any of my friends that anything like that was said between them that I was told about.

 

[KilljoyKlown]

I'm thankful that during any of my relationships or marriage I never had an argument which lead to anything like that being said. Matter of fact I really have never known any of my friends that anything like that was said between them that I was told about.

I am glad to hear that about you, and I admit that was a bit of an extreme example. But people actually do say if I catch you cheating on me I will kill you.

At that point most people should see a big red flag in the quest for a healthy relationship. I know I would. I don't give cause for jealousy and I don't like it directed at me for no good reason. I really do think people that make such accusations do so because that's the way they are and they can't help thinking everybody else is like that too.

 

[chimpkin]

The wife and I have this posted on the fridge door:

http://www.nathancobb.com/support-files/fairfighting.pdf

If it's degenerated to the "button-pushing" and threatening level, something has gone seriously awry.
That's absolutely unhealthy.

You take one issue at a time, you keep it in the present, you don't attack your partner, you be respectful, you try to see their side, you negotiate in good faith, and if you can't do all that, go take a fricken' walk until you CAN.

And I don't care what gender you are, which partner we're talking about, or whose mother said what.

 

[KilljoyKlown]

The wife and I have this posted on the fridge door:

http://www.nathancobb.com/support-files/fairfighting.pdf

If it's degenerated to the "button-pushing" and threatening level, something has gone seriously awry.
That's absolutely unhealthy.

You take one issue at a time, you keep it in the present, you don't attack your partner, you be respectful, you try to see their side, you negotiate in good faith, and if you can't do all that, go take a fricken' walk until you CAN.

And I don't care what gender you are, which partner we're talking about, or whose mother said what.

That's all well and good, but many people don't handle their relationships in such a rational way. But lets suppose you really believe in those 8 rules and no matter what she does to you, you are not going to sink to her level.

She starts in on you with only one goal in mind, and that's to make you lose it. I think the better she knows you the faster she will be able to make you lose it, and there's not much you can do about it. If she happens to be a tad bit narcissistic, she will be very creative in the bullshit she puts you through.

Once your vested in the relationship, your going to put up with a lot before you call it quits, and then she will really rip you a new one, because she won't let you go easy. Your good intentions only work as long as the two of you are getting along.

 

[chimpkin]

If someone's abusing you you disengage, walk out, tell them "We'll talk about this calmly when I get back," and you go out for a nice dinner or a movie, phone off.
If they follow you out screaming (they will) Ignore them.

I have a crazy dog who will lunge and lunge and lunge at me if I let him get away with it...he's learned that I will stand there out of his reach until he obeys the "sit" command, then he'll get petted (his nails have drawn blood several times, so I had to stop him).

Not that you should treat your spouse/lover like a dog, but if you refuse to be screamed at and disengage, but will talk reasonably? they'll eventually talk reasonably.

Or you'll get tired of never being able to come home and split.

Either way, situation resolved sanely. But nobody said it was easy. Relationships are hard work.

 

[KilljoyKlown]

If someone's abusing you you disengage, walk out, tell them "We'll talk about this calmly when I get back," and you go out for a nice dinner or a movie, phone off.
If they follow you out screaming (they will) Ignore them.

I have a crazy dog who will lunge and lunge and lunge at me if I let him get away with it...he's learned that I will stand there out of his reach until he obeys the "sit" command, then he'll get petted (his nails have drawn blood several times, so I had to stop him).

Not that you should treat your spouse/lover like a dog, but if you refuse to be screamed at and disengage, but will talk reasonably? they'll eventually talk reasonably.

Or you'll get tired of never being able to come home and split.

Either way, situation resolved sanely. But nobody said it was easy. Relationships are hard work.

And when they get to be to much trouble it's always easy to just walk away right?

Besides the problems your having may not involve any screaming or even a raised voice. You keep saying what you will do. Hope your prepared to back that up, if not you will be screwed and not in a good way.

 

[cosmictraveler]

If you are or even think you might become a jealous person then by all means do not get married because your marriage is doomed from the beginning.

 

[KilljoyKlown]

If you are or even think you might become a jealous person then by all means do not get married because your marriage is doomed from the beginning.

Can't say I'm jealous, but that doesn't mean I would like my woman screwing around behind my back. So just where do you draw the line on being jealous and not being jealous. I do think jealousy issues can provide a rich area for developing hot buttons which is never good for a relationship.

 

[cosmictraveler]

Can't say I'm jealous, but that doesn't mean I would like my woman screwing around behind my back. So just where do you draw the line on being jealous and not being jealous. I do think jealousy issues can provide a rich area for developing hot buttons which is never good for a relationship.

Then by all means don't get married if you already wouldn't trust your wife. Trust is the key to a good marriage and if there's lack of it before you start the marriage then that marriage will fail. Just date women , that way you know they aren't "your" woman and can do what they want "behind" your back. From this statement I would think that you will be a good bachelor rather than a husband.

 

[KilljoyKlown]

Then by all means don't get married if you already wouldn't trust your wife. Trust is the key to a good marriage and if there's lack of it before you start the marriage then that marriage will fail. Just date women , that way you know they aren't "your" woman and can do what they want "behind" your back. From this statement I would think that you will be a good bachelor rather than a husband.

Been married twice, so I do have some experience on this subject and being trusting to the point of being stupid doesn't serve anybodies best interest. One needs to maintain a high level of awareness even at the expense of blind trust.

If a woman ask you if you trust her or ask you to trust her, then she's planning to do something untrustworthy. If she has to ask then she doesn't trust you and that means you shouldn't trust her. Trust has to go both ways or it's worthless and relying on it is stupid.

 

[cosmictraveler]

Been married twice, so I do have some experience on this subject and being trusting to the point of being stupid doesn't serve anybodies best interest. One needs to maintain a high level of awareness even at the expense of blind trust.

If a woman ask you if you trust her or ask you to trust her, then she's planning to do something untrustworthy. If she has to ask then she doesn't trust you and that means you shouldn't trust her. Trust has to go both ways or it's worthless and relying on it is stupid.

That's why private investigators are very useful. You can find out allot by using them to keep track of your wife to be certain she is doing as she states. They can be used before marriage as well to just confirm that the person you are marrying can be trusted. But using that service only shows that you already have your doubts and you should not be involved with whoever it is you are checking up on.

 

[KilljoyKlown]

That's why private investigators are very useful. You can find out allot by using them to keep track of your wife to be certain she is doing as she states. They can be used before marriage as well to just confirm that the person you are marrying can be trusted. But using that service only shows that you already have your doubts and you should not be involved with whoever it is you are checking up on.

If you meet someone you think you might want to get involved with, that would be a good time for a background check. Might save you a lot of time and money, not to mention your feelings after the fact. Do you know in Japan people can't get married until their families have run not only a background check on them but on their families also. Not sure how many generations back, but they want to make sure the person marring their kid is coming from a good family.

I know a background check is no guarantee of anything, but it is a good start. Much better than letting your feelings do the thinking for you without knowing anything but what you are being told.