Um ... er ... yeah. Um ... frak.
Pro
• Added the girls' newly hired publicist, Lynne Balzac, who coincidentally holds a master's degree in psychology, "It's easy for the public to question why Tamara and Jackie want to put themselves before the public eye again and again, but I have one word for what the girls get out of this, and that's closure. In fact, I'd call having your own television show closure with a bonus, wouldn't you?"
Con
• Survive This! contestants will be briefed by the girls before they are helicoptered to a remote, secret location. If things go according to plan, NBC will have placed several paroled repeat sex offenders in various locations miles from the drop zone. The contestants will have 48 hours to find safety at a remote building made to resemble a rural sheriff's station. NBC hasn't decided who will portray the show's "sheriff," but staffers said overtures have been made to both Orange County sheriff Mike Carona and Kern County sheriff Carl Sparks.
Comment: Um ... okay. So, what you want to do is pay registered sex offenders to play sex offenders on television, thus normalizing their actions somewhat? Can we expect trading cards?
"I'll give you a Westerfield and an Alvarez for your Johnny Johnson."
"No way, man. Johnson is fast. One of the fastest. This one's going to be worth
bank in a couple of years!"
• NBC is poised to make a stunning announcement ....
Comment: Leaving closure in the hands of television executives is a very
bad idea. For instance:
• "Look, I wouldn't want this to happen to my son or daughter," said UCLA Rape Prevention Services director Martin Finoogian, "but you have to think of how fast Roy D. Ratliff will fade from their minds when these two girls are faced with the pressures of not tanking in the ratings so they can keep those million-dollar paydays coming in."
Comment: Wow ... the social sciences. What does this say of the US? Is the healing in the distraction of trying not to tank the ratings, or is the healing those "million-dollar paydays"?
The Ugly
• "You can't believe the numbers they put up during the Runnion thing," he said, referring to the kidnapping and murder of five-year-old Samantha Runnion in Orange County. "And the mother! Jeez, you just can't find more compelling television!"
Comment: The Executive Office of the House of the Tiassa cannot comment at this time, as we are busy trying to invent new degrees of profanity in order to have words to comment with.
• "I mean, Tamara and Jackie, their story just couldn't have unfolded more dramatically for TV. The Amber Alert [highway crime-warning] system had been put online, what, an hour before the girls were abducted? And the pursuit and shootout, the stories of the girls struggling to get away as they were being driven to their supposed deaths. I don't know who said it, but as soon as someone down here muttered, "We couldn't have scripted this thing any better,' I think we all had the same thought: Why the hell not?!"
Comment: Yes, yes, yes. It's better than
Dying for Dollars.
The True
•_As he sifts through the tapes, Slattery said, he'll be looking for star potential and attractive faces, like those of the hosts. "Good looks definitely don't hurt when you're looking at putting people on TV. And to put it bluntly, jailbait sells! One thing you've got to say for Ratliff -- he may have been a psycho with a deathwish, but at least he had good taste in victims."
Comment: God bless my Apple Pie, my Chevrolet, and God bless the U.S.A. I accept the rude comment about Ratliff's taste, but that's just one of those things I wouldn't say even in a tavern. That kind of line would be reserved for ... well, wow. I know a whole two people I would say that around. Maybe three. And that ... how drunk must I be, and how bitter?
The Last Word (for me, for now)
I hope this is a bad, bad joke. I mean, I'm all for a truly tasteless gag now and then, but this is ridiculous. The worst aspects of Americans are so apparent, and lined up so perfectly that I'm pressed to take the article seriously.
However, I'm an American, and, I like to think of myself as somewhat realistic. One thing I've learned about Americans is that if you try to debate American taste at all, you're overestimating Americans. We are a tasteless culture, a crude and barbaric society.
Think of it this way: Such a show would be the expression of what we really want. We want to feel that predatory sympathy in the offender. We want to imagine that frightened arousal in the prey.
Seriously: whips, chains, shite, whatnot--it's all fine with me if you're with someone who wants it. If you want to dress your wife up in Powerpuff Girls panties and a bonnet, fine. Do it there with someone else who (A) is legal to have sex with, and (B) consents to it; seriously--some of the dirtiest f--kers I know are also the ones I would trust my children around. But this ... I thought we would see executions on TV before we saw rape for ratings.
Can you imagine the watercooler conversations?
I just didn't believe J____'s performance. She didn't look like she was actually in pain.
Imagine your daughter watching the show. Imagine that eyebrow going up. And you know, in your heart, because she is your child and you've seen that look, that she thinks Rapist #3, the one on the right with the scar by his nose, is more than a little sexy.
Must-see TV.
wowsers,
Tiassa
