love- joy, pain or both...thoughts?

C

curiousgirl867

Registered Member
everyone has had their problems with relationships, but who thinks that it is not even worth it. im tired of getting hurt over and over. im tired of trusting. can anyone talk me out of this bad opinion on love, or am i right?
 
Avoid getting into a relationship while you feel this way. You'll get some better perspective on it as the last bad experience recedes.

No, it's not normal to be hurt by someone you trust, over and over again. Most people are capable of behaving more or less decently. Even if the relationship doesn't work out you shouldn't end up feeling betrayed like this.

There are a number of possible reasons that you are always hurting. In no particular order:

1. Maybe you don't have very good judgment about people. You pick the wrong ones. You let the ones who are superficially attractive cast their spell on you, then while you're enchanted you don't notice all the little signs of their weakness or untrustworthiness until they reach critical mass and the whole thing blows up. If you think this is true, try deliberately seeking out a different type of person. If you've been attracted by good looks or sunny personality or high energy or good social skills or strong people or whatever, stop rating people on that particular dimension and examine them as potential partners from a different angle.

2. Maybe you sabotage yourself. Something inside you rebels at the idea of settling into a happy relationship. So you do subtle things, unconsciously, that displease the other person and eventually they leave. This is quite common, don't laugh it off. I'd have to be a therapist to go into this in any detail, but you may be punishing yourself for something you did that you're ashamed of, or for letting someone down, or being lucky when someone else wasn't, or any kind of Freudian/Jungian thing like that.

3. Maybe your perspective changes quickly after you form a relationship. As I just posted on another thread, most relationships go along nicely for about two years, then the violins and rainbows fade away because romance and hormones aren't designed to continue at full volume forever, and the two people become two different people who maybe don't like each other as much as the first two. There's no magic about that two-year thing. Some people do it earlier. Maybe you do it so quickly that it leaves your head spinning. If that's the case, what you need to do is get in better touch with your more dominant personality, the one that pops up and doesn't get along with the people you choose. Let that person start making the choices.

4. Maybe you're really young and everything feels more intense. You don't say how old you are. Relationships are more difficult to navigate when you're younger (say under 25 but certainly under 20 and under 17 it's a miracle). You're not as wise about choosing, you don't have good social skills, you both feel different ways on different days and what you had that clicked when you got together in the first place may only pop up one day a month.

5. Maybe you've had a run of bad luck. Sometimes that happens to people. Don't give up. The next one will work out, or if not then the one after that.

You probably don't need to be "talked out of this opinion." Love is a pretty basic need. If you swear off it, eventually your heart (and your body) will start to remind you that it's been too long and maybe you were being a bit rash about that decision. Homo sapiens is a highly social species and one of the ways that manifests itself is that we have a strong instinctive need to pair off with a mate. It may not last forever, it may not last more than two years, it may not even last that long. But whatever we manage to get, we need it. If you try to get along without it you'll be consumed by yearning. Don't fight it, you're fighting your own humanity.

Whether love works out or not, we all need to have it. It's just the way we are.
 
It seems like Fraggle has given you all the possible answers, but i think youve just been look too hard. It seems you either see a relationship as having love or not.

Take your time in a relationship if its true love you want its not easy, sacrifices have to be made, (which you seem willing to make), but at the right time. Love grows like a tree if the roots arent deep enough it will fall.

Trust has to be earned dont just give it away otherwise it will be betrayed , same with love. Easy come easy go.

I might have got the wrong end of the stick here but there isnt much info to work on here, so if im wrong give a bit more info, rougth outline would make it so much easier to give advice.
 
You're right. Find a hobby. Cultivate enlightenment. Grow a garden. Invent something. Start a business. There are all kinds of better things to do.
 
Self loving is the best loving. That's to say, I'm far more cynical than Mr. Fraggle.

Love is such an inevitable chore. I try to stay out of it, but it's sticky and clings and takes years to finally get off. I think coping is the best way to deal with the abuse, the attachment and how much people generally suck when you aren't fucking them. And even then, they still suck.

But I suppose my immediate focus on sex reveals both age and gender, eh?
 
I agree with spidergoat, there are better things to do.
Being emotional is not my type of thing anyway.
 
Maybe you're really young and everything feels more intense. You don't say how old you are. Relationships are more difficult to navigate when you're younger (say under 25 but certainly under 20 and under 17 it's a miracle). You're not as wise about choosing, you don't have good social skills, you both feel different ways on different days and what you had that clicked when you got together in the first place may only pop up one day a month.
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First of all most relationships, at least the best ones start at early ages. Thats when its really meaningful and full of life because young people can express themselves more often and are simply better at it. Doesn't matter if the relationship fails, thats the beauty of it. Just remember that stars die too.
 
curiousgirl867 said:
everyone has had their problems with relationships, but who thinks that it is not even worth it. im tired of getting hurt over and over. im tired of trusting. can anyone talk me out of this bad opinion on love, or am i right?
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Buy a dog, you'll be a LOT happier. Dogs love in the way that most of us feel that our partner SHOULD love us ...unconditionally and without thought of a reward. Get a dog ....and soon you'll understand "love".

Baron Max
 
can anyone talk me out of this bad opinion on love, or am i right?
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NEVER!!
Love is the is that cute yellow fuzz your ex left on your clit 'cuase he whored you, but think of all the attention you'd be missing out on if men didn't find you detestable?

You get to mope and have old women dote on you, people actually stop to pity you when they listen- look at me, I'm posting in your thread and don't even know you, aren’t I!!

You BECOME somebody when dumped so stay a lovesick nobody is my advice.
Love RULES.
 
curiousgirl867 said:
everyone has had their problems with relationships, but who thinks that it is not even worth it. im tired of getting hurt over and over. im tired of trusting. can anyone talk me out of this bad opinion on love, or am i right?
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Watch "28 days" with Sandra Bullock.
Not saying that you're an alcoholic or that you have some addiction problem, but something else about relationships is nicely worked out there in that film.
 
gendanken said:
Love RULES.
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"Bizarre Love Triangle"

Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say



(Nothing personal, I just think the lyrics are good.)
 
curiousgirl867 said:
everyone has had their problems with relationships, but who thinks that it is not even worth it. im tired of getting hurt over and over. im tired of trusting. can anyone talk me out of this bad opinion on love, or am i right?
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Thats what my friend thought, but he was just getting involved with the "wrong type" of girls, the kind that has about 4 affairs at once. Go for 'nice' Guys/Girls.
 
i might not know any of you personally, but since you took the time to answer my post, i am very happy to know that there are people who still care, even if its nothing really big, its people like you that give me hope. :) thanx
 
curiousgirl867 said:
i might not know any of you personally, but since you took the time to answer my post, i am very happy to know that there are people who still care, even if its nothing really big, its people like you that give me hope. :) thanx
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You are one sweet thing. :)

yoshino_cherry_blossoms.jpg
 
curiousgirl867 said:
i might not know any of you personally, but since you took the time to answer my post, i am very happy to know that there are people who still care, even if its nothing really big, its people like you that give me hope. :) thanx
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We gave you hope? Hope for what? Do you really think that the posts here changed anything for your situation?

Don't get me wrong, if ye're happy now, that's great and I'm glad. But I sure can't see where any post here gave you hope.

Baron Max
 
Baron Max said:
We gave you hope? Hope for what? Do you really think that the posts here changed anything for your situation?

Don't get me wrong, if ye're happy now, that's great and I'm glad. But I sure can't see where any post here gave you hope.
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Dear Baron Max,


Never underestimate the quiet miracles that people, strangers even, can do for one another.
 
Dear Baron Max,


Never underestimate the quiet miracles that people, strangers even, can do for one another.
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Dear Water,
And never overestimate. Rarely do others have others in mind when they do whatever for others.
 
gendanken said:
Dear Water,
And never overestimate. Rarely do others have others in mind when they do whatever for others.
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Dear Gendanken,


If one has a sound and firm inner measurement, the intentions others have for their actions do not affect one's experience of their actions.
 
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