Jokes and Funny Stories

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Microzoft

Registered Senior Member
|| Please note:
I made this thread a sticky. So, please, post any future jokes, funny stories, etc here.
Do not start a new thread every time you want to post a joke.


Please help wanted: A place for the “natural” Medicine!!


A guy goes to the Doctor;
.. Doctor I have a terrible pain on my lower leg,
The doctor checks him and prescribes some tablets, saying;
You take two every day for the next 4 days and after that you can go to work.

Oh! Thank you, thank you doctor you are really fantastic, not only you gona cure me but also find me a job!!
_______

A guy with a severe loss of hair comes to see the doctor;
…Doctor can you give me something to preserve my hair?
The doctor turns around; yes sure by all means, you can use that empty shoe box over there!
________

The Gynecologist comes to the patient as says;
Mrs ….I have good news for you..
The lady promptly replies, ohnn no doctor it is Miss
The Doctor replies, Ohn pardon, then I think I have bad news for you!!
____
Doctor to Patient;
I’m afraid I have some bad news and some good news;
What’s the bad news? Doc: Well we accidentally amputated the wrong leg.
..The good news? Doc: Well your other leg seems to be improving.
______

Doctor to patient:
…Well you should have come to see me earlier.
Yes I know, ..its just that I went to see a faith-healer.
And what stupid advice did that faith-healer gave you??
Patient: ...That I should come to see you!!
______

The Drunken husband (lipstick all over the face) comes home at 6 am. The wife is already waiting for at the door.
….Dear, …May I ask what brings you home at this time???

The husband replies while trying to stay straight; Yes, darling, Breakfast!!
_____

Doctor what can I do this vacation so that my wife doesn’t get pregnant??
Doctor: Well take her with you!!

:eek:
 
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Elementary Bush

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he
visits one of the classes.They are in the middle of a discussion related
to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the
class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a
GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says,
"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile
and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that
would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss.
 
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

don't you just love nerd jokes:D
 
i know too many jokes.... so im just going post my fav one of all

What did the banana say to the dildo? What are you shaking for shes going eat me!!!
 
Tina gets hail damage on her car, so she takes it down to the smash repairs.. "How do I get rid of the dents?", she asks,
and the guy jokingly says, "Take it home, and blow into the exhaust as hard as you can". Tina thanks him and rushes home.
Lorna, her best friend comes home to find Tina on her hands and knees blowing into the exhaust and she says "What the hell are you doing Tina?!" and Tina replies, "I'm trying to get rid of the dents". Lorna thought for a moment and said "Oh no silly, you gotta have the windows wound up first". :confused:
 
Police observed how a car was driving doing S's a long the highway, at times almost completing straight circles. They stop the car, and a policeman approach the vehicle,…

Good evening sir, this is a control. Have been drinking alcohol?

Driver: Well officer,. hips..hip, yeah. At Matilda’s Pub I had about 6 or 8 beers, then Robert showed up, hips,..and had about 6 whiskies, hips,..and then with sweaty Laura, I had about,..hips…5 bacardisomethings, hips, ..that..that’s all.

Officer: I’m afraid I have to check that, could you please blow in this……

Driver: But why,. don’t you believe me???
:eek:
 
Careful with Blonds

A guy asks his blond girlfriend to give him a blowjob, she agrees (with question mark on her face) to do it. ….Moments later, the buy yells while his balls are growing and eyes about to pop-out,…..Can you stop taking my words literarily!!!:D
 
At a shopping mall two guys crash their pushcart. Ups, I’m sorry says one, ..the other one. No, no it was my fault, I wasn’t looking. I have lost my wife and am looking for her. Oh that's funny, I’m also looking for my lady. Say, may be we can help each other, how does your wife look like??

…Well, she has long blond hair with beautiful blue eyes, her legs are astonishing, she’s wears a dark blue dress to knee-height with a split on the side, her rear is just fabulous and her breast, a real devil’s temptation. …..say and your lady, how she looks like??

Oh,.. don’t worry about it, let’s find yours first!!
:eek:
 
Irland vs Iraq

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang."Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Paddy from Dublin, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Cahan, my next door neighbour Keenan, and the entire darts team from the local public house. That makes eight"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have one million men In my army waiting to move on my command."

"Bloody Hell " said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.

"Mr. Hussein, it is Paddy, I'm calling from Dublin, Ireland, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Keeley’s tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."

"Oh feck! ....." said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Keeley’s tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the village’s generator. Four boys from Co.Armagh have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Bugger...." said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Hello, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of bottles, and decided there's no way we can feed two million Prisoners Of War."



:eek:
 
Where did I hear this from????????

What do you call the fellow leaning on the shovel? Doug.

What do you call the fellow who is not leaning on the shovel?
Douglass.


Not ripped off or copyrighted from anyone in particular. Hmmm.
:rolleyes:
 
What do you call a man rolling around in the leaves? Russel.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the pool? Bob.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his nose? Warren.

What do you call a brunette between two blondes? A translator.

Two blondes are talking, from either side of a river. One says "How do I get to the other side?" The second says "You're aleady on the other side!"

How do you stop a bonde from drowing? Take the glass of water out of her hand.

How do you stop a lawyer drowning? Take your foot off his head.

What do you call twenty lawyers chained together on the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

(I tried to stay away from the offensive material.)
 
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Driving along a two lane rural highway, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The owner takes the guy around into the backyard where he sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Finally, retired and did the talk show circuit.

The guy is amazed. He takes the owner off to the side and asks what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "Cause he's just a damned liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
 
Thanks everyone I have really enjoyed all of your jokes..brill
fecking marvellous!!:D :D :D
 
Blond & Eye Doctor!

A Blondie goes to see her Ophthalmologist;

Doctor could you please prescribe me a different
Contact-lens cleaning tablets?

The ones I'm taking now are giving me indigestions!
:eek:
 
A man and woman are driving...

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

:D
 
Viva Canada-dians!

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

:eek:
 
Osama bin Laden?

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"


:eek:
 
Another on Osami!

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"

George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"

Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."

George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."

Osama asks, "And what do they say?"

George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
:eek:
 
Promise, last on Osama!

Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden?

Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody!

:D
 
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