I got so many valentines it overflowed my locker at school so I had to throw all of them out, interestingly enough the trash can I tossed all of my candies and requests for dates was incinerated by, get this, a hamster that somehow escaped from the science wing. It was incredible, the feller was seen typing messages on an internet site, I don't know which one but I think it had the word 'sci' in it. Anyway he managed to get ahold of this huge kerosene torch and trick one of my friends into carrying it for him, and, well, my valentines were incinerated and any hopes of going on any dates.
But hey, I'm only fourteen, I've got plenty of time left, right?
This is satire. I didn't really get as many valentines as I'd like (let's leave it at that, folks, all of us were girlfriend-less teenagers once, right?) But I enjoyed typing this post, so I guess its all worth it.