Magical Realist
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NEW HAVEN, CT– "In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and
contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers,
theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia,
God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of
followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.
Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of
divinity at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic
diagnosis at a press conference.
"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said. "And,
after several years of patient research and long sessions with God
Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to
pinpoint the specific nature of His problem."
Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts
millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of
profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both
the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes
undetected and untreated for an extended period. Though the condition is
estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent of the world's
population, Monday marks the first time it has been diagnosed in a major
deity.
Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe,
from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum
of space. However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to God's
affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to
alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason.
"Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said housewife
and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I asked myself,
'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just
helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so
happy that we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'" New York
attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God's wild mood
swings.
"Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging in Central
Park with my daughter. We were marveling at the beauty and majesty of
nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we live in. Then,
out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking from her
hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. "All they took was
a measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk
again. If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental problems, my
precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her
life."
Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand that,
because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His actions
and does not realize how they affect others.
"What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens said. "To
paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans, forgive Him, for
He knows not what He does.'"
While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven
effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is no
modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast and
complex as God.
Jurgens is in the process of forming a support group, "Living With A
Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of humanity to "get together and discuss
their feelings about living in a universe run by an Omnipresent Loved
One not fully in control of his emotions."
Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal, as
evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime
and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter.
Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even faster.
"The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10
or 12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe
cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per year, which is known
as 'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. "We believe God suffers from the even
rarer 'ultra-rapid cycling,' which would account for the many documented
cases in which He alternates between benevolence and rage toward
humanity within a matter of seconds. For example, last week, He brought
desperately needed, life-giving rain to southern Mali while
simultaneously leveling Turkey with a devastating earthquake."
Further evidence of God's manic-depression can be found in the Bible, in
which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts with the
sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of
Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His condition. The book
begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and ends with a full-blown
manic episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar symptoms as the
illusion of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur.
"One of the major 'heresies' of Christian history is the Gnostic belief
that the Creator, or 'demiurge,' of this troubled world is a blind,
idiot god who is insane," Jurgens said. "This idea surfaces in many
religious traditions around the globe. As it turns out, they were only
half right: God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially
trying His best. He just has a condition that makes His emotions fly out
of control at times."
"So it's up to us to make the best of God's emotional problems," Jurgens
continued. "Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly
upward."
God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder | The Onion - America's Finest News
Source
http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-diagnosed-with-bipolar-disorder,348/
contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers,
theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia,
God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of
followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.
Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of
divinity at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic
diagnosis at a press conference.
"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said. "And,
after several years of patient research and long sessions with God
Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to
pinpoint the specific nature of His problem."
Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts
millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of
profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both
the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes
undetected and untreated for an extended period. Though the condition is
estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent of the world's
population, Monday marks the first time it has been diagnosed in a major
deity.
Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe,
from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum
of space. However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to God's
affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to
alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason.
"Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said housewife
and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I asked myself,
'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just
helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so
happy that we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'" New York
attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God's wild mood
swings.
"Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging in Central
Park with my daughter. We were marveling at the beauty and majesty of
nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we live in. Then,
out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking from her
hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. "All they took was
a measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk
again. If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental problems, my
precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her
life."
Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand that,
because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His actions
and does not realize how they affect others.
"What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens said. "To
paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans, forgive Him, for
He knows not what He does.'"
While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven
effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is no
modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast and
complex as God.
Jurgens is in the process of forming a support group, "Living With A
Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of humanity to "get together and discuss
their feelings about living in a universe run by an Omnipresent Loved
One not fully in control of his emotions."
Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal, as
evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime
and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter.
Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even faster.
"The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10
or 12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe
cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per year, which is known
as 'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. "We believe God suffers from the even
rarer 'ultra-rapid cycling,' which would account for the many documented
cases in which He alternates between benevolence and rage toward
humanity within a matter of seconds. For example, last week, He brought
desperately needed, life-giving rain to southern Mali while
simultaneously leveling Turkey with a devastating earthquake."
Further evidence of God's manic-depression can be found in the Bible, in
which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts with the
sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of
Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His condition. The book
begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and ends with a full-blown
manic episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar symptoms as the
illusion of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur.
"One of the major 'heresies' of Christian history is the Gnostic belief
that the Creator, or 'demiurge,' of this troubled world is a blind,
idiot god who is insane," Jurgens said. "This idea surfaces in many
religious traditions around the globe. As it turns out, they were only
half right: God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially
trying His best. He just has a condition that makes His emotions fly out
of control at times."
"So it's up to us to make the best of God's emotional problems," Jurgens
continued. "Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly
upward."
God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder | The Onion - America's Finest News
Source
http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-diagnosed-with-bipolar-disorder,348/
