Friendship and obligations

Arditezza said:
A lot of people that I consider acquaintences consider me a friend.
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What do you do in such cases? What if someone comes to you, tells you that they consider you a friend -- but you don't consider them a friend? Do you say it, do you make it clear to them that you don't consider them a friend? Or do you leave them in the false belief that the friendship between you two is mutual?
 
I was at a reunion from pre-university school once and I met this guy there. He was surprised I didn't recognise him. He then told me I was his best friend for a year (then he left for another school). I then remembered, but obviously I didn't see him as a best friend otherwise I might have remembered. And I would stayed in touch (so would he, if he really was best friends).
 
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spuriousmonkey said:
I was at a reunion from pre-university school once and I met this guy there. He was surprised I didn't recognise him. He then told me I was his best friend for a year (then he left for another school). I then remembered, but obviously I didn't see him as a best friend otherwise I might have remembered. And I would stayed in touvh (so would he, if he really was best friends).
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I've got this trown against me several times -- some people have very different ideas as to what best friends do.

I figured if the relationship consists of one letter a year, then this is not friendship. The other person was deeply offended by that and said that I don't appreciate her or other people.
 
I also have a person who considers me his best friend. I don't think the same way about him, but I never tell him that. Why would I? What difference would this make to me or to him? He's not annoying or anything, he's just not my friend. Honesty is not always the best option.
 
kSushi said:
I also have a person who considers me his best friend. I don't think the same way about him, but I never tell him that. Why would I? What difference would this make to me or to him? He's not annoying or anything, he's just not my friend. Honesty is not always the best option.
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Well, you are either honest, or you are not honest.
Friendships should essentially be based on honesty -- or they make little sense.
 
RosaMagika said:
EXACTLY!! So painfully true. I am from Slovenia, Europe, and I had many American "friends", who were to me, mere acquaintances. I was baffled by the amount of compliments and promises they gave me. I had a hard time understanding of how that came to be, and what I must had missed. Later on, I figured that I had missed nothing, it iwas just that those people had very big and very empty mouths.

The way they threw around with "friend" just prostituted that word, and put a very bad light on human relationships in general. Being called a "friend" *should* mean something -- it should be reserved for a person who is dear to you and whom you have an active relationship with.
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Slovenia eeeh? That explains the k thing :p

wait, is slovenia also considered a slavic country? otherwise, disregard my above comment :(
 
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kSushi said:
I also have a person who considers me his best friend. I don't think the same way about him, but I never tell him that. Why would I? What difference would this make to me or to him? He's not annoying or anything, he's just not my friend. Honesty is not always the best option.
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Well, there's always the option to come to terms with that person. People can have high regard for others that might not correspond them the same way or with the same intensity (for the lack of a better term), or viceversa.

The important thing though is to know that such person holds you in good esteem, so if that has an impact on you then do let them know, and do let them know till what extent they can count on you. Trust me, it makes a world of a difference. Otherwise, just let them know in a subtle way that you can't be around for them at all, but don't be back and forth...the point is to be open enough to them so they can "look in the mirror" and see where they stand at least as far as dealing with you is concerned. Neither one of you has anything to lose, it's just a matter of coming clean.
 
Oscar, you are right.
I can't really call that person a friend cuz I know I can't totally trust him. He can be sarcastic sometimes, would joke about my appearance, and then would ask me out... I find this immature. However, we share similar interests, participate in similar activities, have common friends, he tells me all his secrets relating his relationships with his gf and ex-gf, and I propose him solutions on how to talk to her or what to do; I also find him very funny and witty. So my feelings to him are mixed. He's got a fiew friends, if any, only because of his immature jokes. And he considers me his best friend.
 
jeez you got a bit too specific there :eek: I'm no longer good about any particular advice on some situations but you just steered the conversation in another direction. Ermm...keep a safe distance I'd say :confusoid:

( see what you did guys? now these bloody metacrawlers are showing "Friendship and Dating" ads. Shoo, you corporate scum! Capitalist vultures! You've yet to see the last of me! :mad: ...I know...I'll have them look for something else...ermm...dynamite dynamite dynamite dynamite dynamite dynamite ! god god god god god ! )
 
oscar said:
Slovenia eeeh? That explains the k thing :p

wait, is slovenia also considered a slavic country? otherwise, disregard my above comment :(
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Ahhh! That k is there for reasons of fancifulness.


And Slovenia IS very much a Slavic country!
 
oh alright :D I got a couple of erm... "acquaintances" ( at least for the context of this thread :p ) from slovakia / poland (online, mind you :rolleyes: ) and I notice the pervasive use of the Z's and the K's, so that was why I wondered about your sn (wait, so it's "Slovinska" how you'd call your contry in your language? How similar is the slovenian language to slovak or czech? )

Anyway, back on topic...there seems to be no major harm in being called "best friend" by someone but you do have your reservations with this guy, and that's fine. If anything though, "best friendships" are rarely ever mutual between both people ( or maybe I haven't experienced a true friendship since childhood, I know...send in the Freuds...*sniff* *sniff*).

An interesting thing for you to do here would be to consider, for example, your own "obligations" towards your buddy here...who knows, it might give you some insight on what you expect based on what you give. Not only that, but also by knowing the distance that you need to keep from people at times then you're also able to understand why some others may need a bit of their distance from you as well. Hope this makes sense. Really. I'm thinking of a "Part dieux" for this argument, but it's hard to think at this time in the morning).
 
Friendship, something I don't really have right now with anyone. My ex and I were just fine, until one day we both miscommunicated with each other. We always talked, trusted each other, and loved each other. Yes, sex was involved, but not all the time. I really miss her. She would always hug me and such. That was a really good relationship. Someone who will listen to you, someone who cares about you, and someone you like to be with.
 
Off topic to Oscar:

oh alright I got a couple of erm... "acquaintances" ( at least for the context of this thread ) from slovakia / poland (online, mind you ) and I notice the pervasive use of the Z's and the K's, so that was why I wondered about your sn (wait, so it's "Slovinska" how you'd call your contry in your language? How similar is the slovenian language to slovak or czech? )
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In my language, the name of my country is Slovenija, and the name of Slovakia is Slovaška. Now the intriguing part: The Slovaks call my country Slovinsko, and their country Slovensko (I think). Anyway, the difference is minute in their language, and people tend to mix us up all the time. Although there isn't much to mix up, the languages are somewhat similar, but a Slovene and a Slovak or a Czech would not understand eachother.

/Off topic
 
Rosa, To answer your question, I do tell them that I don't feel the same way about them then they do. That I enjoy spending time with them, but that I am not commited to forming a stronger relationship with them. It doesn't usualyl hurt their feelings, and if it does then that's just the way it is and they can give their attention to someone else.
 
we chinese have a saying is "君子之交淡如水，小人之交甘若醴"
It means two true friends not as those who think friends should visit or talk to each other often,but when one in trouble,there just a cold shoulder to you. True friends not come around often but casually, only the hard time you can't go through, he do be there with you. I think so!
 
kSushi said:
Do you think there any obligations between friends?
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I've thought about this alot. what I came to is that my obligation to my friends is to be happy/content/ enjoy my life. Not in a shallow way with fake smiles. When I see a friend in pain I am in pain, how could I suppose my true friends are different than me.
 
Insanely Elite said:
I've thought about this alot. what I came to is that my obligation to my friends is to be happy/content/ enjoy my life. Not in a shallow way with fake smiles. When I see a friend in pain I am in pain, how could I suppose my true friends are different than me.
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Aren't you contradicting yourself? First you say friends should be always happy/positive, and then you say u'd be in pain if they are.

Ideally, I also think you shouldn't bring all your emotional baggage onto your friends, and deal with it somehow on your own. But that wouldn't be honest relationship. If your friend likes you only when you are happy and prefers to be somewhere until everything gets fine with you, that's not too good..... From the other hand, if you have a choice: either you keep your problems to yourself or bring them out and loose friends who have enough of their own problems to think of yours, then I guess u'd want to keep a friend.

I'd say there should be a balance. Friends are not our last hope (we are), but a way to share not only fun activities, but also problems.
 
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