Domestic violence

[Asguard]

Why would someone chose to stay in a situation of chonic domestic violence.

When PB and I first moved into our house there was a couple across the road in a housing trust house. The first night the first night the women came running over to say her husband was beating her and could we call the cops which of course we did. She sent them away.

Then latter on HE came over to say she had tried to OD so we called the ambos and cops for him and she sent them away

Then she came screaming over when i was in the shower and only PB was around saying he was chasing her with a hammer so we called the cops again

This went on for months culminating with her screaming that "you've done it now, you've stabbed me", we woke up to blood on OUR doorstep. I cant even remember how many times we called the cops for them and every she either ran away by the time they arrived (including when they came lights and sirens because PB told dispatch SHE was scared by them and home alone) or she just sent them away

In the end we had no choice but to call housing trust, who (after giving her ample opportunity to deal with him in exchange for ceasing action) took them both to the tenancy tribunal to have them both thrown out because they were a danger to the whole street, my partner is a youngish female who didn't feel safe in her own home and my Neighbours are elderly

 

[Anti-Flag]

Well to put it simply there are a few reasons a person will stay in a bad relationship:

Fear.
Lack of self-confidence.
Lack of support.
Money.
Emotion clouding rationality.
Stupidity.
Attention.
Enjoyment.*



*obviously only for the severely psychotic, but there are some people who get a thrill out of the rush some situations give, or they have some good times they use to justify remaining.

 

[The Esotericist]

Move. . . get the hell out of there if they don't.

 

[chimpkin]

Trauma bonding.

http://abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

<snip>...experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.. Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

Strangely, growing up in an unsafe home makes later unsafe situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning...<snip>

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/why-do-you-stay-traumatic-bonding-and.html

While hostages may bond after a matter of hours batterers usually have many years with the victims without any interference or intervention.

This bond occurs because the well being of a child, a hostage or a battered woman depends upon the hostage taker or the batterer. If a batterer has total control over her money, safety, peace and happiness then it is in her best interest to keep him happy. This bond is not only in the best interest of the perpetrator but is, at times, in the best interest of the victim and is frequently necessary for her survival...<snip>

<snip>...We often berate the victim for staying in these relationships and can't understand how it happened. A violent, controlling man does not take a woman out and beat her on the first date. We all put on our best face when we initially meet people and batterers are no different. If he took the woman out and beat her on the first date there would be no second date. She has no history or investment in the relationship and wouldn't tolerate it. His taking control of her is a gradual process...<snip>

A batterer gradually works on the victim, getting more verbally abusive and controlling. Further, he or she usually drives away friends and family, to isolate the victim. By the time he or she hits their partner, the partner is often stuck with no outside support...and the batterer, having gotten their rage out on the victim, suddenly turns very lovey and apologetic.
When you see a battering relationship as bad as your neighbors, this basic battering cycle has had years to intensify. Too, the victim may well have grown up in an abusive home, meaning they will respond as they did when their parents were hitting them-quite often by bonding more closely to the batterer.

 

[Asguard]

esotericist, you obviously misread part of my post, we contacted the housing trust who did an investigation and then took the couple to the tenancy tribunal (with virtually the whole street as witnesses) who evicted them that day (the same day the sheriff, a locksmith and the police were at the house to evict them).

Anti-Flag see the top 4 SHOULDN'T have been an issue, the house was a housing trust house (ie goverment provided), the police and social services were more than willing to provide support and protection.

As for fear i know that's a motivating factor in most domestic violence situations but she came to us and asked us to call the cops and at the same time she was the one turning them away, all she had to do was say "help" and the cops (already there) would have arrested him and dealt with the situation, she had plenty of witnesses who would have testified in court for her.

 

[Anti-Flag]

Anti-Flag see the top 4 SHOULDN'T have been an issue, the house was a housing trust house (ie goverment provided), the police and social services were more than willing to provide support and protection.

As for fear i know that's a motivating factor in most domestic violence situations but she came to us and asked us to call the cops and at the same time she was the one turning them away, all she had to do was say "help" and the cops (already there) would have arrested him and dealt with the situation, she had plenty of witnesses who would have testified in court for her.

That's partly why I listed some slightly more disturbing options below that. I can't tell you exactly what goes through some peoples minds, but I've met some messed up people, and even they realised they should get out even if they can't take that step for whatever reason.
It seems your neighbour knew too, so I could only presume that once the fear overwhelmed her she sought help, but then the fear subsided and she remained, unable to take the step and change.

I hope it was fear, because given the options ruled out, then the ones left could signal far greater problems.

 

[Bells]

Well to put it simply there are a few reasons a person will stay in a bad relationship:

Fear.
Lack of self-confidence.
Lack of support.
Money.
Emotion clouding rationality.
Stupidity.
Attention.
Enjoyment.*



*obviously only for the severely psychotic, but there are some people who get a thrill out of the rush some situations give, or they have some good times they use to justify remaining.

You also left out shame and embarrassment as well.

_________________________________________________

Asguard, there is a range of reasons why victims do not leave. Fear of losing their children is also a high one. Fear of having nowhere to go is another. I have a couple of family members who are living the hell that is domestic violence and no matter how much we do to help them, how much we tell them they will never be homeless and that we will do what we can to ensure their safety, they are more afraid to leave than to stay.

The reason is that the abuser will often abuse them to the point where they feel worthless and helpless, that they are unable to do anything. Psychological damage is paralysing. They are afraid that they are worthless and don't deserve better. That is what abusers tell their victims.. that they deserve it, that this is what they deserve and what they ask for and after a while, the victim will come to believe it. It is terrifying.

I have seen the spouse of one close relative of mine chase us down the street as I drove her and their children away.. in her first attempt to leave. And when I say chase, I mean he was sprinting down the street screaming abuse at the top of his lungs threatening to kill her and her children if she did not return. She returned a month later because those threats continued and even with police help, she was too afraid to not return. And that was the key thing, they are afraid of what will happen if they do not go back. In the mind of the victim, when she/he is there with the abuser, they can at least keep an eye on them, if that makes sense? Like my cousin... She stays and takes it because in her mind (and her mind is now pretty much mush after years of this), she is less afraid being there than being somewhere else and not knowing what he is doing or planning. Short of taking to her fuckwit husband with a big stick and breaking every bone in his body so that he cannot harm her (yes, I offered - seriously offered), she is too afraid of being in a house with her children and having him come after her without her being able to prepare or protect herself. And he would go after her. He is that type of guy.

I have had this guy arrested many times for domestic abuse (when her daughter would call me for help as he's hitting her in the background), but he would always get out because as he tells her, he can go to jail for any number of years and when he gets out, he will come after her and her children (she has two daughters from a previous relationship).. So she has almost been conditioned into being the abused now.

Fear is a huge motivating factor.

 

[chimpkin]

I have had this guy arrested many times for domestic abuse (when her daughter would call me for help as he's hitting her in the background), but he would always get out because as he tells her, he can go to jail for any number of years and when he gets out, he will come after her and her children (she has two daughters from a previous relationship).. So she has almost been conditioned into being the abused now.

What a bastard.
She should come live in a castle-doctrine state. He shows up, she takes him out with a 12-gauge.
I like to think happy thoughts.

 

[Anti-Flag]

You also left out shame and embarrassment as well.

Indeed. Those often stop people coming forward to seek help.

 

[scheherazade]

Where children are involved, it can be far more difficult to leave a situation of domestic violence, for all of the reasons listed above as well as simple logistics.

My mother tried to leave my father many times before she finally succeeded. She was one of the pioneers of divorce and there was very little available in the way of support at that time.

"You either press criminal charges against your husband or you leave town", the advice from the police chief.

We left town under cover of darkness on the floor of a van and spent over a year moving around the province, living very hand-to-mouth.

It was a strange time in my life. I was 11 when this transpired.

It is not easy for me to trust people, and I am less trusting of the motives of men, sad to say.

 

[Fraggle Rocker]

Why would someone chose to stay in a situation of chonic domestic violence.

Others have answered your question, but to put it succinctly:

• Stockholm Syndrome.
• Accepting the violence as the cost of financial support, especially when children are involved. Victims of domestic violence often have a low sense of self-worth and have trouble envisioning themselves making a good living on their own.
• Fear of the unknown, especially since victims of domestic violence assume that violence is everywhere. "I'll take the evil I know rather than the one I don't know."

 

[GeoffP]

I wonder if "victory" ever enters into abusive relationships. "I'd leave, but that would mean s/he would win, so that's out."

 

[Fraggle Rocker]

I wonder if "victory" ever enters into abusive relationships. "I'd leave, but that would mean s/he would win, so that's out."

A biography of Julia Ward Howe, who wrote "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," was recently reviewed in the Washington Post. Her husband was a tyrant, not physically but emotionally and practically. She was a gifted writer but he belittled her work and isolated her from the creative community.

Yet it was he who begged her for a divorce, or at least a separation, including unremarkable child-care arrangements. She always turned him down! Perhaps she felt that he would win even if it was he who terminated the arrangement.

She never thought of herself as a gifted artist, until she realized that her song (actually it's an old Swedish drinking song but they're her lyrics) had helped inspire the Union troops to the victory she cherished as an outspoken abolitionist. She is no longer well-known today, but when she died in 1910 she finally had the satisfaction of knowing she was one of America's most famous writers.

Footnote: Her husband Samuel was a complicated man who had financed John Brown's slave rebellion. "John Brown's Body" was a previous set of lyrics to the same song, which Ward found cringeingly awful despite the noble subject matter. This reaction was her inspiration to write new lyrics.

 

[Asguard]

I wonder whether culture plays a role too. I changed 1 detail in that story, I said that it was a housing trust house. It wasn't, it was an Aboriginal Housing house. I didn't say that because I didn't want people to think that my going to the housing authority was motivated by racism, it wasn't it was motivated by having to clean the blood off the front step and fear for my partner as well as those living around us.


Just a side note, there were no children involved, she would have been able to keep the house or if unsafe the housing board would have found her another house and she was already on welfare anyway

 

[Fraggle Rocker]

I wonder whether culture plays a role too.

Culture always plays a role in our behavior. Australia is a multicultural nation (if perhaps not to such an extreme as the USA) so you must see examples of that all the time.

I'm not recommending that you actually do this, but as a thought experiment, walk along a row of movie theater seats and step on the foot of everyone you pass. Compare how they react and correlate that with their culture.

Some will stand up and block your path until you apologize. Others will apologize to you.

 

[quadraphonics]

In addition to the stuff already posted, we should bear in mind that many of these situations are characterized by codependence and mutual abuse. It doesn't always break down into a nice, easy abuser/victim dichotomy.

 

[Anti-Flag]

In addition to the stuff already posted, we should bear in mind that many of these situations are characterized by codependence and mutual abuse. It doesn't always break down into a nice, easy abuser/victim dichotomy.

That is also very true. Also at what point does an argument escalate into "abuse"?