People can make a religion out of anything.
THE CHURCH OF THE WEED I was going through the channels a while back to get to the Olympics and saw a Catholic priest saying and preaching “If you don’t believe in what we believe then you separate yourself from the holy body and blood and you know what that means. We really don’t like to talk about the consequences of heresy but…”
Here’s a much better idea: For a good and better life, join the Weed Church:
Weeds are the most energetic and alive things on the planet and therefore we can channel much of their vigor into our own selves. Costly vitamins and energy drinks are no longer needed, weeds being free and abundant. Trust me. Have faith.
Weeds have the super power of nuclear energy without any of the side effects. Some weeds have roots three feet long! Even one molecule left of a pulled weed can regenerate the entire plant. Weeds are of unlimited power. The weed is the theory of everything. This is the greatest discovery of all time.
Our focus is on plain old weeds, not pot, but no denomination of weed is excluded and so the incense smoke spreading about would most likely be pot, but I can’t say that here, if it is. This stuff may slightly drain some energy at first, but then the munchies will take over to allow us “munch” more ingestion of our special weed salad. However, if anyone turns into a stoned statue that’s really OK since it’s perfect for a church setting.
The social hour and the church hour are exactly the same thing, but we will occasionally say things in honor of weeds and will have all varieties of weed pictures on the wall. There is a fairly new ‘mile-a-minute’ weed going around New York and so this will be the centerpiece of the altar. Even the pews and chairs will be made out of woven weeds—as a constant reminder of the glory of weeds. The floor will look like the average person’s lawn—mostly weeds and clover and hardly any grass.
The weed salad will be washed down with dandelion wine and will provide such great energy to us all that we will become much more alive and creative, perhaps even posting 20 times a day, never even having to repeat any posts, for our creativity will have become unbounded. The church/social hour would then be the only time that we’d all just be sitting around, instead of, like all day long now for many of the unweeded. The rest of life would become a blur of activity, weeders jumping and sprouting about in all kinds of fun and accomplishments. No one would ever feel bored again.
The weed is the way and the light and the energy. Weeds entwine all things. Weeds are our friends. Now, I can’t just prove all this by words, but if you try hard to think that you know you’re getting energy from weeds, then it will come to you that you will know for sure when you try them. Some placebo effects may occur as well.
The Holy Weed Commandments: Thou shalt not step on a weed. All weeds are to be treated equally. Thou shalt not kill weeds except to use as food. Love thy neighbor a whole lot, unless they are a grouch, but more if they are attractive and you are both single. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s weeds.
Activities and outings: Rare and exotic weed expeditions. Weed planting/harvesting parties. Place-a-weed-on-every-doorstep program for publicity. Feed-the-weed product sales for advancing weed growth. Any questions or suggestions?
