Absurd Things ALL Religions Say
- Thread starter Thoreau
- Start date
how bout muslim saying if you die for the jihad you will goto heaven and have 77 virgins to yourself....
The Simpsons Religious Quotes ::: 22.08.2007, 12:24
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Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
Homer: No offense Apu, but when they’re handing out religions you must be out taking a whizz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...and come again.
Marge: Homer, you don’t have to pray outloud.
Homer: But he’s way the hell up there!
Homer: Lisa, you’re a Buddhist, so you believe in reincarnation. Eventually, Snowball will be reborn as a higher lifeform... like a snowman.
Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
Bart: Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Homer: I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
Krusty: So, have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a kwaazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified, Ramadan. And now a word from MY god, our sponsors!
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it’s okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.
Homer: The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten.
Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You’re selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can’t sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
Apu: He’s got me there.
Homer: "You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity"
Ned Flanders: They’ve broken every commandment except one.
Carl: Hey Lenny, covet some chili fries?
Lenny: You bet.
Ned Flanders: That’s it. The whole shebang.
Apu: Thank you for coming. I’ll see you in Hell.
Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
Apu: By the 7 arms of Visnu, I swear it. I am not a Hindu.
Homer: I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it’s me.
Homer: Jesus, Allah, Buddah. I love you all!
Carl: This candy is subpar. Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.
Bart: I can’t stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it’s from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa’s dress.
Homer: See you in hell, dinner plate!
Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Cletus: Stranger! You’re tresspassin’ on my dirt farm!
Man: Ah, do you happen to need a mesiah?
Cletus: No, but I’ll take them sacks of money from ya.
Homer: God bless those pagans.
Lisa: I’m no theologian. I don’t know who or what God is. All I know is he’s more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.
Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
Duffman: Are you there God? It’s me... Duffman!
Duffman: New feelings brewing inside Duffman... What... WOULD JESUS DO?!
Milhouse: Why do you have a social worker? I am the one with stigmata.
Apu: Shiva H. Vishnu!
Apu: Mrs. Simpson, I--I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.
That tooGod bless you Dyw....
Funnily(?) enough the Welsh for God is Duw, pronounced much the same as Dyw: Deeoo/ Teeoo.
I think you'll find it actually could be "white raisins" not "virgins".
Those poor disappointed suicide bombers. Course, a handful of raisins might be better than this:
